There is a huge discrepancy between arousal and attraction. Religious men love to conflate the two and make them the same thing. But this conflation is not limited to just Christian men. Perhaps 80% of men in the entire world unknowingly combine the two completely different phenomena of attraction and being arousing.
So, what is the difference? At the most basic level, attraction is how well fit you are for a long-term relationship while arousal is how well you can generate genuine sexual arousal in your wife.
You do not have to be arousing to be attractive, but if you are arousing you generally are attractive as well. This is because the trappings that go along with arousal (career success and mastery to name a few) are also attractive for long-term relationships.
Most marriage books teach you how to be attractive, not arousing.
They teach you how to be a good husband and take care of your wife over the long term, but they do not teach you how to get her engine going. This is primarily because most religious men simply do not know how to arouse their wives.
You can be the most attentive, loving, caring, and wonderful husband in the world and still be unable to make your wife physically crave sex with you. That fact is what they do not teach you in those marriage books. She may feel a desire for you emotionally and as a result, want to have sex with you, but she will never viscerally crave a sexual interaction.
Those standard books on marriage are useful for maintaining harmony in the household, improving the tranquility and various emotional aspects of your marriage; but if you want a passionate sexual relationship with your wife, it simply will not happen if you are only an attractive man. You must learn how to be arousing. And it is a skill that can be learned.
Instilled within you is all the knowledge of how to be arousing.
You likely knew this as a young man but had it educated out of you by your mother or the effeminate school systems, and it must be retaught. The feminine-centric society has misinformed you about what is arousing to women. Most men simply believe everything they are told, especially what they are told by women. But when women communicate, they do not tell the whole story with their words alone. You must train yourself to see beyond the content of their words and look into their behaviors instead. Women rarely say what they want, so you have to look at their actions.
Deep within your masculine nature, you already know everything you need to do in order to be arousing, it just needs to be reawakened. I am going to give you a starter pack of six things that without fail arouse genuine sexual desire.
This is key, the sexual desire must be genuine.
Marriage books teach you how to earn desire by trading goods or services. This is never genuine arousal; it is always negotiated. Any intimacy that is negotiated will leave you unfulfilled. You will know in the back of your mind that the intercourse was nothing more than an opportunistic exchange.
You must learn how to be arousing by being masculine and glorious. Doing little chores around the house, being affectionate, and speaking your wife’s love language are all fine and dandy, but they will not give you what you want. They have not given husbands what they are missing in life: a wife who genuinely wants to have sex with them on a regular basis.
This is because men have traded masculinity for effeminacy, and they have believed every word that comes out of the mouth of the metrosexual male. There is nothing wrong with the character of the Christians writing these marriage books, just that they are completely ignorant of how to sexually arouse a woman. And this is not the fault of women either. Most religious women have no idea what arouses them and could not articulate it if they tried. Not because they are unintelligent, but because religion has done an excellent job of repressing the sexual urge and condemning even simple thoughts of sex.
Articulation of a concept follows deep thought about that concept, and religious people cannot articulate what they have not thought about deeply, especially if the item they need to articulate is sexual in nature.
This is not the fault of Christian men and may actually be a symptom of a well-behaved life. If these men did not start having sex until they were married, then they should not be expected to know anything about arousing genuine desire in their wives. However, there is no excuse for marinating in that ignorance for decades as most men do. Men need to relearn how to be arousing and also study techniques of seduction for use on their wives. We cannot let the people of the secular world have all the fun, which is what they think they are doing. So, apply these six principles as best you can, and you will already be well on your way to arousing genuine sexual interest.
I – Arousing Men Put Their Life Mission First
Men were built by God to work, to have a purpose. When men put their wives above this mission, they trigger many unintended consequences. Because what they do not know, and what religion does not teach them, is that their wives do not even want to be placed above their man’s mission. Their wives know when their husband has a purpose, a mission, and when he is working on it. And when her husband is being excellent at this mission, that is arousing.
When a man is excellent in his mission, his wife feels the natural feminine urge to support him in this endeavor. This is how women were designed from the very beginning. They were built to help men, and they crave this position. They were designed to patch men up, recharge their batteries and send them back into the fray. This is why women always want to know how their husband’s day went at work. They want to know if any progress was made on their shared life vision. Earl Nightingale noted that this is a woman’s way of asking, “How did we do today?”
Sure, being a good provider is attractive, but it is not sexually arousing.
It does not turn women on that you go to a 9-5 unless that job is inherently masculine or reflects high affluence. Be sure to recall the difference between the two: attraction is about the long-term potential and providing, arousal is about being sexually desirable. Being excellent at what you do is both arousing and attractive because it symbolizes good provider ability as well as masculine mastery. And it is possible to be a good provider without being a man of excellence.
If you want to be more arousing to your wife, chase excellence. And as a byproduct of being excellent, you will be a great provider. Do not pursue being a great provider directly, you will only be attractive and not arousing. You will be a good supplement to a woman’s life, but she will never appreciate what you do for her. Women cannot fully appreciate the fact that a man trades units of his life called “hours” in exchange for money. Yes, women can work too, but there is something about this concept of trading units of life to facilitate the lives of others that women will never understand about a man’s role.
This is the burden of man, that no one can truly know him.
II – Arousing Men are Traditionally Masculine
New age masculinity, which is essentially femininity with a beard and CrossFit membership, is not arousing to women. When it comes to traditional masculinity, you have to ignore what women say and look directly at their actions. More specifically, look at the types of men that women are generally (but not always) aroused by.
Is the effeminate man sexually arousing to women? No, absolutely not. For all intents and purposes, he is a eunuch. This is why women feel safe keeping effeminate men or male homosexuals in their inner circle of (usually girl) friends. Because what possible danger could these men pose to their safety? They can take advantage of having a “man” in their group as a weak attempt to scare off attackers, and they do not even have to give one drop of sex in return for that “protection”.
Throughout history, it is the violent, masculine (but not moral) men that have posed the threat to women. If a woman includes one of these men in her inner circle, he may feel entitled to sex in exchange for his presence and protection. No such need exists if you have an effeminate man in your friend group.
Men also need to understand a bleak truth: men and women can never be friends.
If a man has female friends, he is effeminate. Even if only by virtue of the proverb, “ You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. If one of those people is a woman, you will be influenced by her and become more feminine. Men and women are not and cannot ever be friends. Either the man is effeminate/homosexual, or he is sexually interested in the female. There is no third option.
What is arousing to women is traditional masculinity. Strength, courage, honor, and mastery, as outlined in The Way of Men. Women like it when men engage in masculine behavior. This is why many sports or athletes are arousing to women. Do you think women care about the technical skill and ability of the game or do they like seeing masculine men compete against one another so they can pick out the best ones to try to lock down? Many sports are a simulation of war, and women are aroused by warriors. Warriors represent protection and security, which is one of the many currencies that women value. Be a warrior, at least in spirit, if you want to be more arousing.
Also, there is an undulating discussion in society and religion about something called “choreplay”.
Choreplay is the idea that if you do chores around the house, like a good little boy, your wife will be aroused by this and will not be able to contain her passions for you. Now, this does not even pass the sniff test. It smells like a stupid idea, but every several years or so it gains traction again.
I will tell you now, chores are good for attraction but bad for arousal. If you want to arouse your wife by doing things around the house, those tasks must be masculine. You have to repair things, chop wood, build furniture, or something along those lines. Doing chores around the house that are not masculine will not be arousing to anyone. Again, those chores might make you attractive, they will not make you more arousing.
III – Arousing Men are Physically Fit
Many religious marriage texts try to do away with the biological drive for sex and frame the act as a purely emotional and spiritual activity. While sex is certainly emotional, that is only one part of it. We cannot do away with the physical aspect of sex.
I think one of the reasons religious men want to avoid the biological portion of sex is because it is their weak point. Physicality is where most religious men fall short when it comes to arousing their wives.
It is not entirely their fault, because they have been taught their whole lives that women are looking for good men who take good emotional care of their wives. So, if a man works hard to become a good man and take care of the emotions of his wife, he will be rewarded with a fulfilling sex life. Maybe that is true and maybe it is not. But simply being a decent man will not help men get the passionate sex they really want. That passion can only come from true desire, and most men are not physically desirable to generate that passion in their wives.
Most men truly want to be wanted, desired, even lusted after by their wives.
But those feelings are not aroused if you are simply a good man. There needs to be some base element of physical attraction. The stronger this element, the better the foundation for sex. Of course, the physical attraction cannot be the only part of sexual attraction, but it is certainly more significant than most religions try to make it.
At some point, we have to reconcile the fact that for centuries women have occasionally resorted to having promiscuous sex with men they barely know. Anyone who knows anything about Woodstock understands this fact. Most religions try to argue that this is incredibly emotionally unfulfilling for women. But the fact still remains that women are engaging in promiscuity at increasing rates since the Free Love movement.
Some men have graphed this behavior across a woman’s monthly cycle and have been able to pinpoint the times when fertility, and therefore sexual desire, is at its highest. At that point of high fertility, women are more likely to be promiscuous. And religion still has to contend with the very apparent fact that every year college girls go on spring break in Costa Rica and engage in sex with the highest value male they can find. On the bright side, this fertility spike is when most married men can expect their wives to be craving sex with them, even if these men are not very arousing.
Back to the original point of physical fitness: In the most basic sense, men need to be physically fit.
Most men write this off. Just like they will try to call cowardice and poverty “virtues“, they will call the person who trains the body “earthly” or “selfish”. Because taking care of your body so you do not die of heart disease at age 50, leaving your wife and kids stranded with no support is “selfish”.
Men who are physically fit are physically attractive. The fastest way for a man to increase his sex appeal is through training. He will get results there faster than he can get them anywhere else in the world. It may take years for him to achieve mastery or climb the ranks in his career, but he can make a substantial difference in his physique in just 6 months of training.
Physical attraction is the base of every physical relationship.
A man will not approach and talk to a woman unless he is physically attracted to her. No relationship can begin without the element of physical attraction, and it is up to the man to maintain or even improve upon this attraction through intense exercise, preferably strength training.
Sure, a man can get away with being a runner, but the results will not make him physically attractive to the majority of women. The common man needs more muscle tissue, and every man knows this intuitively. When you see women swooning over men, they are not swooning over the marathon runner. They are swooning over the football player or the strength athlete. Muscle tissue is the signal flag for testosterone, so take advantage of your masculinity and add muscle tissue to your frame.
IV – Arousing Men are Arousing to Other Women
These next two components of arousal go together, and this first one may make religious people highly uncomfortable. Women want to be with a man who other men want to be, and other women want to be with. It is arousing for a woman when other women want her man. This is due to a combination of factors. First, when other women want her man, this proves that he is truly attractive, and not just to her.
She needs to know that her husband is not a loser, and when other women want him, this is a form of evidence for that. Secondly, it stirs up healthy anxiety in her that is built upon her desire to keep her man for herself. She acts on this desire through sex and is one of the times a woman will genuinely, physically crave sex. Women want to have sex with the highest value men, so when a woman’s man demonstrates that he is of high value, the woman will act on this knowledge by “locking him down” and having sex with him.
This is also advantageous for the man, because if he is desirable to other women, then his woman will have to take excellent care of herself. You do not see a high-value man with a 300-pound woman. She would not be able to compete with all the options available to her man in that state. The wife of the high-value man has no choice but to take care of herself and keep herself in shape. She is pushed to do so by the feminine competitive spirit in her.
The only time this is not true is if the man is incredibly disagreeable.
If a man is high value and successful in his career and has achieved mastery, he will be attractive. However, if he is highly disagreeable, he can make himself unattractive to other people he talks to. If his woman knows this, she can let herself go. Because he might be arousing, but he cancels it out by acting like a fool. However, this is principle can be highly circumstantial and has many exceptions.
Another thing to note is that if you are arousing to other women, you need to take extreme care with protecting yourself. Never place yourself in compromising situations. When it comes to your sexual discipline you must declare martial law on your body. Here are the laws:
- I am never alone with a woman who is not my wife.
- I do not talk to other women unless absolutely necessary (recall that men and women can never be friends).
- I make a maximum effort to avoid looking at other women.
- I do not talk to women online (and I am preferably off all social media).
- All communication with women is strictly professional. If it does not relate to my work, it is a useless conversation.
V – Arousing Men are Admired by Other Men
Women want to be with a man who other men want to be. You must be a man among men, a leader among followers, and someone who contributes great value to the group. This is especially true of the small group. Who are you in your circle of friends? Do you bring value to the table or does everyone else just carry you along?
Through effort, a man can ascend in his career, skills, and ability to think rationally. He can increase his knowledge and physical strength. The aggregation of all these skill increases results in a man’s character and value to the group. The higher the value, the more respect he will earn. The more respect and admiration a man earns, the more he is desirable to women.
Women do not want to partner with a man who is the laughingstock of the group. Women do not go after men who are in the middle of the pack unless they are forced to by necessity or age. They want the high achievers and the men who are respected by other men. Women want the tribe leaders, the warriors, and the masculine. A man who can be trusted in a survival scenario is the man other men want to be, and the man other women want to be with.
IV – Arousing Men Ascend the Ranks
Women do not like it when their men are stagnant in life. They were designed from the beginning to help men along in their missions. If a man has no mission, no ambition, and is going nowhere, his woman will be annoyed and sexually turned off. This is when she may also begin to nag her man. A woman cannot be aroused if she is not allowed to live out her feminine purpose by supporting a man who is on the rise of power.
The man who remains stagnant loses his power. The man without power has no sexual availability even with his own wife. You may start out with a great sexual relationship at the beginning of your marriage only to have it taper off within 2 years. You might sit there thinking “Why doesn’t she want me? I’m still the same guy she married those years ago”. And there is your answer! You are the same person. Instead of improving and rising through the ranks or achieving any kind of mastery in life, you stagnated. This is a sexual turn-off to women. One of the many ingredients for sexual arousal is masculine ascension.
As men we were designed to pursue and achieve.
Work was given to us before anything else. Women were given to men to help them in their work and to help them achieve their full potential as men. Women naturally want to do this, contrary to the modern feminist narrative.
Some of feminism is built on the fact that women believe they have to take on the masculine role in society. Would women believe this if the majority of men were pursuing excellence in their lives? Perhaps, but I do not think that feminism would be as pervasive as it is today if more men were modeling themselves after masculinity and striving to be more.
Apply these six principles and you will be a better man, and you will be genuinely arousing to your wife.
