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How Failure is Like Inflammation (Failure Part 2.)

Failure can be likened to inflammation in the body. When the human body is damaged, it undergoes a process of inflammation to heal itself. This same basic inflammatory process happens whether you scratch your arm or break your leg. It consists of three processes that overlap one another.

The first component is the inflammatory stage.

This period lasts about a week during which the body is trying to stop bleeding, get repair materials to the injury site and fight infection if necessary. This is the stage that is the most painful, because it begins the moment an injury is sustained. The body is rapidly performing all the “damage control” processes it can in order to limit the extent of the damage.

The second stage of inflammation begins somewhere between the 6^th and 20^th day after the injury, though many experts disagree as to when this stage actually begins.

This second section of injury repair is called the proliferation stage.

Here the body is trying to repair the overall damage of the injury by building new blood vessels, build new tissue to replace what was lost or killed, shrinking the size of the wound, and covering it with a new layer of skin. Each of these four processes happen at the same time, it is a masterful renovation of the body. During this stage, the body is recovering in a broad sense, not really paying too much attention to detail but rather simply trying to restore the structural integrity of the injured tissue or body parts. In this stage, you can move the injured site around and even poke the injury, and while it still may be tender or painful, it is much better than it was during the first week.

The final stage of inflammation is called the maturation stage; this stage can last from months to years depending on the injury.

This is where the body is finished with the rough renovation of the injury and really starts focusing on the details. It tries to line up collagen and other cells nicely so that you look like you never injured yourself.

Now what could this possibly have to do with dealing with failure? Here is the answer: when we are hit with a failure as men, we go through an eerily similar process of recovery.

Recovering from Failure – The Steps

I. Inflammation Phase: The moments right after failing a test, performing poorly in a sport, or at work are some of the most painful moments you experience. You may find that your lower back and kidneys begin to hurt. Your head may start to spin, and you question your adequacy as a man and perhaps question if it is worth it to stay alive.

The most important action you can take at this moment is to avoid ruminating on the failure. Just like you put an icepack on a new injury to limit inflammation, you must put an icepack of sorts on your mind. You need to do anything you can to distract your mind and put it on a different loop. What you are trying to do is prevent your brain from replaying the failure over and over again and also prevent yourself from thinking about what you would have done differently.

You can derail your train of thought by training extremely hard, playing a game, or diving into your favorite distraction. You have to prevent yourself from ruminating. One failure is enough, there is no need to mentally relive it for the next hour; that is the source of the majority of stress in people’s minds.

This first action is the Damage Control Maneuver.

II. Proliferation Phase: If you scratch a chunk out of your arm, the body dutifully fills that hole. If you take a chunk out of your pride or self-esteem by failing, you must repair it the same way. At this point, the pain of the failure itself is leaving, though your pride may still be aching. In this period, you can begin to assess what went wrong with your performance in a rational, detached way. You will want to wait several days to begin this process if possible because the pain and emotions of the inflammatory stage make it impossible to be rational about your performance.

You must simultaneously repair your self-esteem by winning small successes in other life areas and reassess and prepare to go to war with your enemy – be it an exam, a project, or a speech. Once you have clearly located the gaps in your ability, attack them with ferocious force. You must train and practice far more than you did in your first attempt with the enemy. You must also put your mind in a superior position. If you go into the next project or exam already demoralized or defeated, you will get crushed. But if you go into the project with a fire in your eyes and the intense desire to annihilate that enemy, you will be victorious.

This second act of mass preparation is the Sword Sharpening Maneuver.

“The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in his temple before the battle is fought. The general who loses makes but few calculations beforehand.” ~Sun Tzu

III. Maturation Phase: This is the long-term recovery from failure where you integrate the lessons learned into your character and actually learn to become thankful for the failure. You learn some of the most important lessons of your life in failure from how to manage your immediate emotions, recover self-esteem, and become more intense in your work. Once those lessons are integrated into your character, you are more masculine, and the pain of failure is essentially gone. Perhaps you feel a few nagging aches every few weeks, but for the most part, you have completely recovered.

You complete this phase of healing by looking back on the failure while completely detached and free from the painful emotions of the first two phases. From this perspective, you can see all the ways your failure actually made you better, stronger, and more mentally prepared for your future.

This final action is the Reclaiming the Throne Maneuver.

As bad as failure feels at the time, what you will notice over time is that the more you attempt anything, the more you will fail. The more you fail, the shorter the inflammation of failure becomes. Your first major failure may take you two months to recover from. The next failure just 6 weeks. This will progress until you have accepted failure as a part of life, extract its benefits, and recover within a few days or even within a few hours if you are a master. Learn to manage and appreciate the inflammation of failure and you will undoubtedly be a great man.

You also need standards for your own personal failure, weather in your physical training in personal growth. Without standards and the reality of failure, we have no way to evaluate our performance. When we cannot evaluate our performance, we cannot know when we have failed. If we cannot know when we fail, we will not know when we need to improve. When we do not know if we need to improve, we will remain stagnant. Therefore, failure is a compass of character, it directs us towards who we want to be. A man must first decide who he wants to be before he can begin working on becoming that ideal.

“Those in athletic pursuit first chose the sport they want, and then do the work.” ~ Epictetus

Be willing to fail. Do not let the fear of failure prevent you from acting. Failure is a surefire path to growth and learning. And it comes at a fraction of the cost of a modern college education.

The next time you hit failure, try to rush being thankful for that failure. You just learned a lesson you will never forget. That alone makes failure a better teacher than any egghead in a classroom.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; . . . who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt

Conduct Yourselves like Men.

Reference: Epictetus, and Robert Dobbin. Discourses and Selected Writings. Penguin Books, 2008.

Gaining The Respect of Men

Men have always cared about what other men think of them. They care about their reputation for skill or strength. Men have always been interested in knowing how they are perceived by other men and whether or not they are respected in the group. Respect is a critical component of masculinity.

In more recent times, this concern for the opinion of other men has begun to fade. In a way, this is a good thing because fewer and fewer men are worthy to be judges of men and masculinity. There are few men masculine enough to warrant them giving their opinion in any affair, much less on matters of masculinity. Why should a young man care what the standard effeminate man in the church thinks of him? He is not trying to alter his life to gain the approval of those weak men.

On the other hand, this separation of men from one another is negative because it means men will look to some other standard to guide their behavior. They will find new people to judge their masculinity in ways that may not be masculine. Most commonly this tends to be women.

If you think about it, you can see that the average man lives his life trying to gain the approval of various females.

His early years are spent pleasing mommy with good, “civilized” behavior. The days of youth and adolescence are spent trying to gain the approval of the primarily female school teachers. A man then tops this off by living his life to please a wife or girlfriend. Unfortunately, by the time most men are 20 they have not had a single masculine role model they can model their lives after. They are unconsciously trained to live for women.

As men, we should be working to undo this focus we have on winning female approval. What should matter in our minds is how other masculine men perceive us and if we are respected by them or not. And if we are not respected, we should want to learn how to gain respect. It should be important to us to be valued by other men. And in the end, if we are valued by other men, we will automatically be valued by females though they should never be the primary goal.

One important thing to note is that we cannot care about what every man thinks of us.

This was mentioned briefly, but it bears repeating. The majority of men have not earned the right to give their opinions and have them valued. There are less than five men I know whose opinions and thoughts I truly value and whose lives I want to model. This means there are less than five men who I would take advice from.

When another man gives you an opinion or offers some advice, ask yourself if you admire his life. Do you want your life to end up the way that his life has? If not, then completely ignore what he has to say. This applies just as much to your father as it does to the common men in the church. If a man is fat, do not take nutrition advice from him. If he is not masculine, do not take advice from him on how to be masculine. And if he is not successful in the secular world, do not take career advice from him.

To gain the respect of other men you must make yourself valuable.

Men care about levels of skill, this is why they will invariably ask each other, “What do you do?” within moments of meeting each other. The primary way men size each other up is by evaluating their skills. By finding out what skills are valuable in the world and to other men, you can then focus on increasing those skills. Then even if you do not necessarily have a valuable line of work, you at least have a valuable skill that you work at on the side. So the first tool to gain respect is to increase your skill.

The second path to increase respect is to increase your knowledge.

Skill and knowledge go hand in hand. Men value advice from people who know what they are talking about. You should work hard to increase your knowledge of valuable subject matters. When a man comes to you with a question or asks for advice, he respects you. Men do not accept non-solicited advice because it is insulting to them. If you willy-nilly offer advice to everyone you are suggesting that they do not have the necessary knowledge to make a decision. While that may be true, men must come to you and ask for advice, you cannot just throw it out at everyone. That will be insulting to their intelligence.

Another path to respect is to have a streak of wise decisions.

These do not have to be massive, life-altering decisions, but you do need to have a streak of good decisions. A good decision streak demonstrates that you are in the habit of thinking before you act which automatically places you in the top 10% of men. Other men need to see that you make wise dating decisions, can lead in the church effectively, can avoid embarrassing yourself and your ancestors, and that you do not blow your money on frivolities if you are not in the financial position to do so. As David did, you must behave wisely in all your ways (1 Samuel 18:14), and then others will take note of your wisdom (1 Samuel 18:15).

The fourth path to respect is to control your emotions and be calm, especially in public or high-stress situations.

I cannot tell you how many times I have completely lost respect for individuals because they lost control of their emotions under pressure. If you want to know a man’s true character, pressure him and see how he reacts. Is he calm, cool, and collected, or does he lose control of his emotions and bowels? Even if a man becomes frustrated during a task, that is also a weakness. You must be the man who is calm and collected. You may be having a heart attack or be in a state of internal panic, but that should never show in your face or your words. Demonstrate repeatedly to other men that you can handle yourself and your emotions under pressure and you will have their respect.

The fifth path to respect is to allow others to uncover your success but never talk about it yourself.

One of the reasons that humility is masculine is because it is a demonstration that you do not need to praise and admiration of others. This is an area where every man has room for growth. Who does not love a good compliment? We can enjoy compliments and praise, but we should not actively seek it out by boasting about our accomplishments. You gain the respect of other men when they find out about your accomplishments from people other than yourself. Perhaps they talk to one of your co-workers and hear about how you handled a situation or delivered an epic project weeks before a deadline. That knowledge will boost that man’s respect for you because no only does he learn that you are skilled, but also that you do not need to brag about it.

The sixth path to respect is to speak directly and truthfully.

While this is not a popular form of communication, it is valuable and useful. Direct, blunt communication was even utilized by Jesus when dealing with certain unsavory groups of people (Matt 23:27-28; John 8:44-45). While I am certainly not advocating that you act like a jerk and tell every single individual every one of your thoughts, I am saying that you cannot be a man who beats around the bush and still be respected by others. You need to have the tenacity to speak directly and not water down the truth. You need to be able to tell another person that their choices of words or actions are poor. And ou must be able to call out wrongdoing when you see it. If you cannot do this, you resign yourself to a life of cowardice and will never have the full respect of other men.

The seventh and final path to gain respect is to simply avoid actions that would cause you to lose respect.

This is the simplest path to respect. Simply do not be stupid or dishonorable in your conduct. Think back on times in your life when you have lost respect for a man. What caused you to lose respect for him? Whatever he did, you must then do the opposite. Sometimes you can gain the respect of others simply by avoiding foolishness. The root of wisdom is first the removal of foolishness.

Now it’s your turn. Think up some ways that you can gain respect from masculine, admirable men and write them down. Leave them in the comment section below! This list is not exhaustive and you may notice that there are missing paths to respect. Perhaps in your own life, you have gained or lost respect for other men based on their actions. Write down those experiences. The negatives ones are just as valuable as the positive ones. If you lose respect for a man because of the way he acts, do the opposite of whatever he does as mentioned before.

Conduct Yourselves Like Men.

Othniel – “He Went Out To War” – Judges 3

“When the children of Israel cried out to the Lord, the Lord raised up a deliverer for the children of Israel, who delivered them: Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb’s younger brother. The Spirit of the Lord came upon him, and he judged Israel. He went out to war, and the Lord delivered Cushan-Rishathaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand, and his hand prevailed over Cushan-Rishathaim”.
Judges 3:9-10

Othniel was the first official judge of Israel in the days before the kings. The opening chapters of the book of Judges tell us that Israel would repeatedly go after foreign gods and be punished with captivity as a result. They would rebel against God time and time again and pursue the sexually impudent nations of Canaan. After a few years of captivity and harsh oppression, they would cry out to God, repent and God would raise a leader to deliver them.

We learn from earlier verses that Othniel is the younger brother of Caleb, who was one of only two men who were optimistic about attacking the Canaanite country.

God raised Othniel and activated the latent warlike spirit in him, which leads to my favorite component of today’s verse: He went out to War.

The Israelite nation was repeatedly saved because men were willing to rise against their captors and go to war. We can see that freedom is bought through the price of war and it is this warlike nature that we must cultivate as men. After cultivating it we must direct that energy into constructive pursuits.

Men are made to go to war. David saw Bathsheba because he was not out with his men “During the time that kings go out to battle (2 Samuel 11:1). Though it is easy to sit back in the comfort of our warm homes and couches and criticize David for his sin, it could have been avoided entirely had he gone out to war.

Affirmation

I go out to war.

Application

Today, identify just one component of your life and go to war with it. It can be something you want to change about yourself such as a bad habit, or it can be an item on your to-do list that has been there for weeks. Whatever it may be, conjure up your aggressive energy and direct it towards the task at hand. Do not let religious people discourage you from using violent energy to accomplish your goals. This warlike nature is a gift from God that allows men to go to war, whether with a physical enemy or with their weaknesses.

This warrior spirit is a powerful reserve of energy that remains untapped by so many men because they are taught from a young age to not hit, bite, and to share; and now many young boys are being punished in schools for drawing guns on paper! While that is useful for making men more socially acceptable, it is not beneficial in times of war when men need to take up swords and spears against an enemy. Nor is it helpful when men need to conjure up the energy necessary to go to war with themselves. As we constantly mention, we are at war with our flesh (1 Peter 2:11). Since we are at war we must take violent, warlike action against our flesh.

Like Othniel, the judge of old, you must go out to war with yourself.

Conduct Yourselves like Men.

Lightning Study 1 – John 14:6

A verse you have likely heard your entire life is John 14:6, “I am the Way, the Truth and The Life and no man comes to the Father except through Me”. What I tend to find when this verse comes from the pulpit is that it just passes right on by most people and they “check out” of the service. Perhaps if we replaced some of the words, not as an attempt to change Scripture, but as an effort to clarify its meaning, then we could better understand this verse.

The Way: Instead of “the Way” we will call it “the Path”. A path is an established roadway of sorts made by continuous travel. Christ tells us that He is the Path, implying that it is through Him that we arrive at a certain destination. This is further demonstrated at the end of the verse when He explains that no man comes to the Father except through Him. The conclusion being that Christ is the Path to God.

The Truth

Christ says that He is the truth. Follow this pattern of thought with me for a moment. What is the truth but the opposite of a lie? And what is a lie but a falsehood? A falsehood is a fake, it is the opposite of reality, therefore, truth is reality. No Christ is the Path to God, and He is also the Reality. He is the One who existed from the beginning of the age. He is the consciousness that many of the “spiritual but not religious” group think exists in the universe (John 1:1).

During the trial of Christ, Pilate asks Him the pivotal question, “What is truth?” (John 18:38), but unfortunately Pilate did not stay long enough to hear the answer. We know that the Word of God is Truth (John 17:17). Meaning the Word of God is reality itself and in it is no falsehood (Hebrews 6:18, Titus 1:2).

The Life

Colossians 3:4 demonstrates that Christ is our life. He is our existence and our focus, or He should be. Christ as the Life is the defier of death who defeated death once and will do it again for all of His faithful.

The Light

One additional note is that Jesus is the Light. John 8:12 says that “I am the Light of the world”. The light is something that clarifies and reveals. The light can clarify and reveal The Path, and God’s word “is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path” (Psalm 119:105).

In summary, in John 14:6 Christ says “I am the Path, the Reality and the enemy of Death”, and in addition to this He is also the illuminator, the clarifier of truth. Remember who you are serving – it is He who is the defier and destroyer of death.

Compare and Evaluate Yourself – Improvement

Comparing ourselves to others often does not do much good unless we have the correct mindset about it. This applies especially to women who tend to compare themselves to other women to see how they “measure up” against the standards. For men it tends to be slightly different. When men compare themselves to other men, it is for constructive reasons, and this makes comparison valuable.

“Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.”
2 Corinthians 10:12

“A dispute also arose among them, as to which of them was to be regarded as the greatest. And he said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those in authority over them are called benefactors. But not so with you. Rather, let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves. For who is the greater, one who reclines at table or one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at table? But I am among you as the one who serves.”
Luke 22:24-27

“Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!”
2 Corinthians 13:5

When men compare themselves to other men, they are usually comparing themselves to the best in the world.

Musicians compare their skill to the best musicians in the world.

Writers compare their work to the best writers.

Athletes compare themselves to the best in their favorite sport and so on.

This comparison is performed so men can see what exactly it is that the professionals are doing in their training so that they cannot imitate them and try to get those results as well. In this way, comparison is highly valuable.

Comparison becomes a detriment when we start judging our self-worth based on how well we stack up compared to the professionals. This is where women tend to go wrong in their intra-gender comparisons, and why social media is such a detriment to their self-esteem.

Some men realize that they are not as skilled as other men and conclude that they are not valuable.

This is not the way comparison should work. There is only a small minority of men who think in terms of self-worth, and they need to learn to reject this impulse. Comparison and evaluation are tools to help us improve ourselves, not objects of self-punishment that should make us feel worse about who we are.

It is true that our income is based primarily on our skill level and the demand of the market for that particular skill. But our intrinsic worth is not defined by our skill level. We will not waste time telling you that you are special, because most likely you are not. “Special” is what moms tell their kids they are even if their kids are average at best. Your soul makes you valuable, it does not make you special. Everyone has a soul. Therefore, having one does not make you special.

Even though you are not special, you do have value, and you can improve that over time by gaining practical, marketable skill.

We improve ourselves by imitating the masters of our chosen craft. We want to play guitar like the greats or play sports like the legendary men, we do not want to learn and train like average performers. Therefore, comparison is necessary in order to take inventory of our weaknesses and progress and to make sure that we are staying on the path of improvement. What comparison should not be is a pity party where we cry because we are not on the same level as other great men. Comparison should be about extrinsic skill, not about intrinsic worth.

Mantra

Compare, correct, grow.

Application

Compare your skills to other great men, not your individual value. When you compare yourself to a master of a craft, all you should be doing is evaluating your current skill level based on a reference point. Therefore, eliminate any conflations of skill and self-worth that you may have in your mind.

Skill does not equal self-worth, though skill does equal marketplace worth. Mentally separate marketplace value from intrinsic value.

You must take a detached, stoic look at where you are currently so you may improve. Learn skills, techniques and mindsets from the professionals. They achieved success in their field based on a specific formula, so you must copy that formula and try it out for yourself. While that formula may not work for you exactly, you have the option to tweak it slightly and try it again. Change the formula to suit your individual skills and weaknesses.

First, find a master of the craft that you want to imitate, he can be spiritual or worldly.

As we have mentioned before, you need to have secular role models when it comes to work and career because most men in the church believe they are virtuous for being mediocre in the workplace or in their personal skills.

Examine everything the master does with extreme focus. If he is a world class guitarist, examine the smallest things such as the angle of his fingers on his right and left hands. How does he hold the pick and transition from string to string? How high above the fretboard do his other fingers rest? How is his posture and leg positioning? What types of breathing patterns does he employ? Does he look at his right or left hand, or is he able to play without looking at the instrument at all? How does he blend skill with emotion? What does he do to control excess string noise? What is his training regimen? These are just a few of the questions you must ask about the master. Dive into the smallest details and master them because those details will add up to make all the difference in the world.

Once you have answered all the questions you can think of, start applying the knowledge that you have learned one technique at a time.

Test the methods of the master and by doing so you will learn whether his techniques are idiosyncratic or universal. If they are unique to the master, you must adapt the skill into something suited better for you personally. If they are universal, you can transfer those skills directly to yourself.

Focus on one skill at a time, never try to lump half a dozen skills into one practice session. Maintain focus on the one skill until you have raised it to an acceptable skill level. This is called Periodization of Training. One a skill is mastered, move on to another skill. The accumulation of small masteries will be what makes you great in your chosen field.

Conduct yourselves like men.

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