Complaining is the verbal manifestation of the victim mindset. When we complain, we admit that we lack control over ourselves and our circumstances. We complain about the way life is working out for us or what the government is doing on any particular day. Through words, we point our fingers at others to justify why our lives are not the way we want them to be.
While I tend to lean conservative, this is one trait that conservatives and liberals both share in common: the victim mindset. Here is the basic flow of thought: if I complain about something I am saying that it is bad in some way. As a result of that thing being bad, my life is not as good as it would be. It is literally the act of blaming my current situation on outside circumstances that I cannot control.
Men must take complete control over their lives.
They must take ownership of everything they are and everything they have done up to this point. If my life is not the way I want it to be, it is no fault of the government, my parents, or society. It is my fault for basing my actions on the ideas and expectations of others rather than forging my own path.
As men, we must get out of the habit of complaining and be better leaders. Many times, people do not notice when we do not do something. They certainly notice when we take action or make mistakes. Everyone knows when someone in the church gets pregnant or has engaged in some other unsavory behavior. And everyone knows when people do good deeds such as feeding the poor or studying scripture with people (mostly because the people who do those things cannot help but boast about it to others). But very rarely is it noticed when some behavior, specifically a negative behavior, is lacking.
For example, how many people notice when someone does not gossip? We certainly notice when they do gossip, but do we ever take the time to appreciate when they avoid that behavior? What about stealing, do we ever notice when people do not steal? Usually not, but we certainly will have something to say about it if we found out they have been stealing from their work or from the church.
The point is that we rarely notice when people are virtuous because of the negative behaviors they avoid engaging in.
We do not notice when people do not complain unless we are actively looking for it and appreciating it. Becoming a man who never complains is often a thankless task. People will not pat you on the back for it like they will for the man who lost 50 pounds. The reality is that many may actually dislike your change because you are refusing to indulge in the effeminate behavior or complaining that they enjoy.
Whenever we as men make a change, it may spark some admiration, but it will kindle a forest fire of envy, jealousy, and backstabbing. That is the unfortunate plot of men and success in the modern, hyper-safe world. We are constantly jockeying for position, for a better place in the dominance hierarchy, so to see other men climbing the ranks touches the nerve of jealousy within us. It should not be this way, as a better-skilled man is worth more to the tribe and to the camp. We should be glad when other men improve their skills and are better able to contribute to the whole. But because the world is safe, there are no wolves outside the camp, and no shortage of food, we become jealous of those men who ascend the ranks of society when we should be congratulating them.
As they climb the ranks, we start complaining behind their backs.
We can talk about their lack of character or their negative personality. Or we can use one of the favorites of the greedy poor which is to say that a man who is becoming successful in the world is doing so because he is materialistic and worldly. “Yeah, I would be that successful too if I were not so busy focusing on the Bible and spiritual matters. If that guy spent half the time that I spent in the bible, he would not have time to be that successful”. The greedy poor love that false logic.
Complaining is the antithesis of gratitude.
The grateful mind is focused on what is going right, on blessings, and on positivity. The complaint-filled mind is focused on what is wrong, what others are doing that is damaging impacting society, on curses and negativity. It is a mentality that the God of War hates. Remember that God has killed his people who complained in the Old Testament (1 Corinthians 10:10, Numbers 11). That should give you an idea of how seriously the God of War takes the evil of complaining. Despite everything He has done for the Israelites, they still found something to complain about.
So, what do we do to change our negative, anti-masculine habit of complaining?
I – Awareness
It starts with awareness. We can never stop a behavior if we are unaware of it. The problem is, like with most of our behaviors, we have put the habit of complaining on autopilot. It has entrenched itself so much into who we are that it has a mind of its own. If we cannot go even a few hours without complaining about some situation outside our control, then we need to cultivate the habit of awareness.
Becoming more aware is as simple as saying to yourself, “I am becoming aware right now”. Or you can set an intention in the morning to catch yourself when you start to complain. It will be hit and miss at first, but over time you will begin to cut off the habit of complaining more frequently. If you continue to command your unconscious mind to become aware of when you are complaining, you will soon build the habit of becoming aware of your complaints rapidly.
II – Replacement
Habit change does not occur in a vacuum. So, what are you going to replace complaining with? As mentioned earlier, the antithesis of complaining is gratitude, so why not start there. Once you catch yourself in the complaint habit, stop yourself and list 2-3 things you are grateful for instead of complaining.
If you are deep into the habit of complaining as most people are, you will not see any change for a reasonably long time. You will not feel different by practicing gratitude for two days. But given enough time, if you continue to cut off your negative behavior and replace it with gratitude, you will start to rewire your mind. You will train it to be more grateful and thankful for blessings. You will begin to take more ownership of your life and understand that there are things in this world that are completely outside your control. This a mentality of power, not one of weakness. Most men in religion do not have this mindset, so you will be one of the few.
III – Get Away from People who Complain
You have to control your environment. The alcoholic will not recover from his alcoholism if he hangs around alcoholics. The drug user will never dry out if he hangs around his drug-abusing friends all day. Even so, the person who complains will not recover from his habit unless he can put some distance between himself and those who indulge in that negative behavior of complaining.
Do not think you are more powerful than you are. You are subject to the negative influences of those around you. So, if you are trying to fundamentally change yourself, you need to give yourself time away from these people to allow for maximum progress. If you cannot avoid them completely, minimize the time you spend with them and do your best to direct the conversation to positivity or something that they cannot complain about.
Simply talking about the Bible may be enough to cut off their habits. This also may get you uninvited from a significant number of events. Sadly, even many Christians do not like people who talk about the Bible, especially if those Christians are in the habit of complaining. Your spiritual focus is a burning light and makes them uncomfortable.
Controlling this habit is an exercise of self-control. If you can master the habit of complaining, you will be better skilled than most men in religion. You control your life and run your day, not vice versa. Train your self-control by never complaining again.
