Men have always cared about what other men think of them. They care about their reputation for skill or strength. Men have always been interested in knowing how they are perceived by other men and whether or not they are respected in the group. Respect is a critical component of masculinity.
In more recent times, this concern for the opinion of other men has begun to fade. In a way, this is a good thing because fewer and fewer men are worthy to be judges of men and masculinity. There are few men masculine enough to warrant them giving their opinion in any affair, much less on matters of masculinity. Why should a young man care what the standard effeminate man in the church thinks of him? He is not trying to alter his life to gain the approval of those weak men.
On the other hand, this separation of men from one another is negative because it means men will look to some other standard to guide their behavior. They will find new people to judge their masculinity in ways that may not be masculine. Most commonly this tends to be women.
If you think about it, you can see that the average man lives his life trying to gain the approval of various females.
His early years are spent pleasing mommy with good, “civilized” behavior. The days of youth and adolescence are spent trying to gain the approval of the primarily female school teachers. A man then tops this off by living his life to please a wife or girlfriend. Unfortunately, by the time most men are 20 they have not had a single masculine role model they can model their lives after. They are unconsciously trained to live for women.
As men, we should be working to undo this focus we have on winning female approval. What should matter in our minds is how other masculine men perceive us and if we are respected by them or not. And if we are not respected, we should want to learn how to gain respect. It should be important to us to be valued by other men. And in the end, if we are valued by other men, we will automatically be valued by females though they should never be the primary goal.
One important thing to note is that we cannot care about what every man thinks of us.
This was mentioned briefly, but it bears repeating. The majority of men have not earned the right to give their opinions and have them valued. There are less than five men I know whose opinions and thoughts I truly value and whose lives I want to model. This means there are less than five men who I would take advice from.
When another man gives you an opinion or offers some advice, ask yourself if you admire his life. Do you want your life to end up the way that his life has? If not, then completely ignore what he has to say. This applies just as much to your father as it does to the common men in the church. If a man is fat, do not take nutrition advice from him. If he is not masculine, do not take advice from him on how to be masculine. And if he is not successful in the secular world, do not take career advice from him.
To gain the respect of other men you must make yourself valuable.
Men care about levels of skill, this is why they will invariably ask each other, “What do you do?” within moments of meeting each other. The primary way men size each other up is by evaluating their skills. By finding out what skills are valuable in the world and to other men, you can then focus on increasing those skills. Then even if you do not necessarily have a valuable line of work, you at least have a valuable skill that you work at on the side. So the first tool to gain respect is to increase your skill.
The second path to increase respect is to increase your knowledge.
Skill and knowledge go hand in hand. Men value advice from people who know what they are talking about. You should work hard to increase your knowledge of valuable subject matters. When a man comes to you with a question or asks for advice, he respects you. Men do not accept non-solicited advice because it is insulting to them. If you willy-nilly offer advice to everyone you are suggesting that they do not have the necessary knowledge to make a decision. While that may be true, men must come to you and ask for advice, you cannot just throw it out at everyone. That will be insulting to their intelligence.
Another path to respect is to have a streak of wise decisions.
These do not have to be massive, life-altering decisions, but you do need to have a streak of good decisions. A good decision streak demonstrates that you are in the habit of thinking before you act which automatically places you in the top 10% of men. Other men need to see that you make wise dating decisions, can lead in the church effectively, can avoid embarrassing yourself and your ancestors, and that you do not blow your money on frivolities if you are not in the financial position to do so. As David did, you must behave wisely in all your ways (1 Samuel 18:14), and then others will take note of your wisdom (1 Samuel 18:15).
The fourth path to respect is to control your emotions and be calm, especially in public or high-stress situations.
I cannot tell you how many times I have completely lost respect for individuals because they lost control of their emotions under pressure. If you want to know a man’s true character, pressure him and see how he reacts. Is he calm, cool, and collected, or does he lose control of his emotions and bowels? Even if a man becomes frustrated during a task, that is also a weakness. You must be the man who is calm and collected. You may be having a heart attack or be in a state of internal panic, but that should never show in your face or your words. Demonstrate repeatedly to other men that you can handle yourself and your emotions under pressure and you will have their respect.
The fifth path to respect is to allow others to uncover your success but never talk about it yourself.
One of the reasons that humility is masculine is because it is a demonstration that you do not need to praise and admiration of others. This is an area where every man has room for growth. Who does not love a good compliment? We can enjoy compliments and praise, but we should not actively seek it out by boasting about our accomplishments. You gain the respect of other men when they find out about your accomplishments from people other than yourself. Perhaps they talk to one of your co-workers and hear about how you handled a situation or delivered an epic project weeks before a deadline. That knowledge will boost that man’s respect for you because no only does he learn that you are skilled, but also that you do not need to brag about it.
The sixth path to respect is to speak directly and truthfully.
While this is not a popular form of communication, it is valuable and useful. Direct, blunt communication was even utilized by Jesus when dealing with certain unsavory groups of people (Matt 23:27-28; John 8:44-45). While I am certainly not advocating that you act like a jerk and tell every single individual every one of your thoughts, I am saying that you cannot be a man who beats around the bush and still be respected by others. You need to have the tenacity to speak directly and not water down the truth. You need to be able to tell another person that their choices of words or actions are poor. And ou must be able to call out wrongdoing when you see it. If you cannot do this, you resign yourself to a life of cowardice and will never have the full respect of other men.
The seventh and final path to gain respect is to simply avoid actions that would cause you to lose respect.
This is the simplest path to respect. Simply do not be stupid or dishonorable in your conduct. Think back on times in your life when you have lost respect for a man. What caused you to lose respect for him? Whatever he did, you must then do the opposite. Sometimes you can gain the respect of others simply by avoiding foolishness. The root of wisdom is first the removal of foolishness.
Now it’s your turn. Think up some ways that you can gain respect from masculine, admirable men and write them down. Leave them in the comment section below! This list is not exhaustive and you may notice that there are missing paths to respect. Perhaps in your own life, you have gained or lost respect for other men based on their actions. Write down those experiences. The negatives ones are just as valuable as the positive ones. If you lose respect for a man because of the way he acts, do the opposite of whatever he does as mentioned before.
Conduct Yourselves Like Men.
