Monogamy – Is it Natural or Impossible?

For this section we will address two perspectives held by people in the world and in the church with regards to monogamy. The first perspective is that monogamy is unnatural because men want to spread their genetics with as many women as possible. The second perspective is that men are wired for monogamy, but have perverted their own minds through lust and driven themselves to want multiple women. Consider both and decide for yourself if you believe that monogamy is natural, unnatural or a combination of both. 

“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”

1 Corinthians 7:2

“Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach”.

1 Timothy 3:2

Defining Terms: Before we begin we must define terms. We will take an extreme, scorched earth definition of what it means to desire other women. In this section whenever you read a statement about a man “desiring another woman”, it means that he wants her physically. That is all. If a man is physically attracted to a woman and wants to ahve sex with her, that is desire.

Perspective I: Monogamy to one woman is to be strived for, even though it is unnatural.

A Man does not want to commit. By “want” I mean that his biology does not desire commitment. Men want limitless women. Do not be deceived by what you have heard growing up in the church, a man is one part flesh and one part soul. More accurately, man is a soul clothed in the weakness of flesh (1 Corinthians 15:44-49). 

Man’s biology pushes him towards multiple sexual partners over his life, and anyone who denies this denies reality.

There is no shortage of men in the church who want to tell you that you should “desire” monogamy or that you are wired for it. Such men are weak and have the testosterone levels of 90 year old men. It is easy for these men to desire only one woman when the hormone responsible for sexual desire is non-existent in them. 

Though we as men have a physical nature that desires multiple women, we must limit ourselves  to one woman through discipline and virtue. Very few men are convinced that this sexual limitation is as rewarding as religious men claim, which explains why so few men wait for marriage. 

Because what married man would confess that marriage is not as satisfying as advertised and risk having his supply of sex cut off? Not a soul. What man alive would say that the majority of the marital benefits go to the woman while the primary object of value a man receives is sex? No man alive would dare say such things in fear that the sex he prizes so highly would be taken away. 

This is man’s predicament.

The wife has the most valuable and powerful bargaining chip available and the man must remain submissive in order to receive it. That may not be how your marriage is, but that is certainly how most young Christian men perceive marriage. And they have testosterone deficient men in the religious world to thank for that attitude. 

And also, the above situation is the worst-case scenario. I am well aware that not every marriage is like that and that men do receive more of value than sex out of the marriage relationship. But you must also realize that the way young men perceive marriage and the way many women behave causes men to think negatively about marriage as previously mentioned.

“50% of men would not have gotten married if they knew their marriage would be sexless”.

Maureen, Mcgrath –

TEDx. (2016, July 6). No Sex Marriage. Maureen McGrath [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVgzOyHVcj4&feature=emb_title

If you honor your wife properly and are masculine then your fears of a sexless marriage will not come to pass, or so you are told. Most women want to please. If a man is in a marriage where he is not getting any sex then it is his fault. Because he is either not treating her in a way that makes her feel loved and comfortable, he is not masculine and submits to her or he married a selfish and contentious woman, making the decision to get married with his penis and not with his rational mind. He will complain about monogamy and be the source of the marriage jokes you hear in the church. Do not emulate this man who makes jokes about marriage, he embodies inadequacy. Young men are regularly leaving the church because of this weak man’s influence. 

“Why marry a Christian woman and get no sex when there is all the free ‘love’ I could ever want out in the world?”. How is the church supposed to compete with that logic? The marriage jokes men make are doing no favors for the church. 

Monogamy is possible, but it is not natural. Very few of God’s requirements for us are natural. They go against what our flesh naturally wants, requiring us to reject the weakness of the flesh for the purpose of attaining higher spiritual goals. You can commit to one woman. It is not natural, but it is possible. 

If you have grown up in the church and been properly conditioned on how marriage “should be”, this section may anger you. This argument goes against everything you have ever heard about marriage and the sexual relationship “in the context of marriage”. Women are supposed to desire good men and want to be with them according to the religious man. 

Let’s be clear, whether Christian or secular, no woman will have an organic sexual desire for an effeminate man.

Yet the majority of men in the religious world today are effeminate and are trained to be so by individuals twisting the Scriptures to their own destruction (2 Peter 3:14-18). We have vilified success and made poverty a virtue (see “Success”). The religious word glorifies cowardice and labeled courage as “pride”. Religious individuals degrade mastery of skill while suggesting that the Bible is the only thing a Christian should master (these are the same people who read their bibles twice a year). Almost all sexual problems in Christian marriages could be solved if men would find and use their testicles and be men. You do not have to be married to understand this fact.

Perspective II: Men are wired for monogamy, but many have polluted their minds so that they desire multiple women.

This is another possible explanation for why men are unfaithful to their wives or are desiring multiple partners. 

A man’s sex drive is like a fire that grows larger when more fuel is added to it. If you are ‘checking out’ every woman that walks by and thinking about what it would be like to get her in bed, you are adding fuel to a massive fire. It then becomes incredibly easy to let that fire rage out of control.

Be honest with yourself. If you are checking out every woman, you are thinking about getting in bed with them. If you think about bedding them, you have mentally walked through detailed fantasies about what that sexual encounter would be like. Remember that when you imagine something extremely vividly, your brain thinks it is real. So now your brain thinks you are just having sex with every single woman you see. 

Men, if your brain cannot tell whether you are actually having sex or not, then it is going to be far easier to actually have sex with a woman if you are put into that situation.

Because you’ve already “had sex” hundred of times before. What’s another woman to you? You have had hundreds of partners. As a results it becomes an irrelevant matter whether or not you should have sex with another woman who is not your wife. You built this massive sex drive by polluting your own mind. 

God never intended for your sex drive to be out of control. But with every billboard and advertising attacking you from all sides, your fire grows no matter what you do. The sexual urge was meant for more than just sex. Any man who has read Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich remembers the chapter on sexual transmutation. This chapter outlines how men can convert their sexual urge to creative energy in order to generate wealth. You can call it “woo-woo” if you want, but men have been using their masculine energy to build, create and go to war since the dawn of creation. 

Before you try to say that monogamy is unnatural for men, first consider whether or not you have taken your naturally monogamous mind and rewired into a polygamous mind by having mental sex with hundreds of women.

The brain rewires itself based on your habits, this is known as neuroplasticity. If you are having sex with multiple partners multiple times per day, your brain will wire itself to think that is normal behavior and to seek that out. If you want to be monogamous, you have to fix your polygamous mind at the root. We will go over this in the application section.

Mantra

Forever Faithful.

Application I

If you think monogamy is unnatural, then you subject yourself to your own desires. You will always be at war with your flesh and that is fine. The following list is a set of non-negotiable rules you must employ if you want to maintain sexual discipline.

I. Never under any circumstances be alone with a woman who is not your wife. If you are the only ones in the house, you need to excuse yourself and leave. 

Some women make this rule difficult to follow because if the man leaves, the woman will think “Oh wow, this guy has such a problem with wanting sex that he can’t even be in the same room as me”. This though is the result of the religious world being dishonest with women about exactly what it is to be a man with regards to sex. If a woman knew what was going on in a man’s head, she would never question modesty or these rules again. 

Because of the woman’s attitude, the man cannot win in this situation. He either sits and endures temptation or he gets called a dog. Be a man, get called a dog and leave the house. Any woman who calls you a dog for tactically retreating away from sexual immorality is not worth marrying or being associated with.

II. You cannot “just be friends” with a woman.

This rule may spark a lot of controversy and even get you some heat, but you must apply it. One of my most basic principles of life is the following:

A woman can “just be friends” with a man, but a man cannot “just” be friends with a woman.

This principle is set in stone. 

In other words, there is always a sexual component to every single relationship a man is involved in (excluding family) even if that component is very small. When a girl says she wants to “just be friends”, what a man hears is that if he is good and on his best behavior then eventually he may qualify to be “more than just friends”. 

A man will not remain friends with a woman unless he thinks there is a chance of sexual intimacy at some point in time.

If only he can be a good boy and earn the affections of his lady friend, then he will get the intimacy he wants. When in fact this is precisely the beta-male attitude that lands men in sexless marriages to begin with. Be a highly masculine man, not an effeminate man who has to qualify for women’s attention.. 

So again, even though a woman can usually maintain a platonic relationship with a man, it is not possible for that friendship to flow in the other direction. A man will not even talk to a woman unless he is sexually attracted to her. It is not possible for a man to have a platonic relationship with a woman unless he is a eunuch. This is not chauvinistic, it is simply human nature. 

III. When you go out in public, you must suddenly take great interest in the ground, the sky and buildings.

This is an extreme principle, but if you think monogamy is unnatural, then you need to work on not looking at women for a time so your rabbit brain can settle itself down. In your current state, if you look at a woman, you will very soon be lusting after that woman. You are in that habit so you need to give your brain time to rewire itself. 

When you walk around in public just look around at non-people objects. You will be hard pressed to find a self-respecting woman who wears more than dental floss and bandaids walking around the public square. Treat every area like a warzone of temptation. Secular women have become sexually emboldened in the past decades, so you have to constantly be on the lookout. As soon as you notice one of these women, take great interest in the architecture of the nearest building. 

IV. Short-circuit patterns of sexual thought. 

You will inevitably have sexual thoughts. What you need to do is short-circuit them by injecting some completely unrelated thought once you notice yourself going down the mental sex-path. This only works if you have enough self-awareness to notice that you are mentally having sex with women. So make sure you are building awareness through the exercises in this book. 

Once you notice what you are thinking about, turn your thoughts to something different. It needs to be something highly stimulating because it is hard to take your mind from thinking about sex to thinking about poetry. Instead, turn your focus to food, drop and do some pushups even if you are in public (the embarrassment alone may help you make a huge leap of progress), listen to fast or aggressive music or start doing some strange viking chant. It does not matter what you do in these moments as long as you are converting your mind to better thoughts. 

V. When you get married, you are done interacting with women for the rest of your life.

Interaction is a breeding ground for sexual relationships. I know that statement sounds extreme, but no sexual encounter happens before relationships have been established by talking. Unless you are assembling with the saints, I would encourage you away from interacting with women. Again, this principle mainly applies to individuals who take the position that monogamy is not natural. 

Application II

If you think monogamy is natural and men have polluted their minds with lust, then let us look at how this can be undone.

Recall that the brain rewires itself through neuroplasticity. So no matter how entrenched in the habit of mentally undressing the women you see, it can be undone. Read the principles above and apply them at least in the beginning stages of rewiring your mind. While you may not take an extreme position on interacting with women, those rules can kick start your new habit of mental discipline.

Always begin your change with awareness. There are many instances where awareness alone is curative. Some men are able to stop mentally undressing women just because they become constantly aware of their own minds. When you have self-awareness, you have self-control. 

Conclusion

Commit to one woman for life and be faithful. You must avoid all instances in which you would be tempted to stray from your woman. Even though you tell your wife that other women are “no factor” and that they do not tempt you, we all know that is a lie. Unless you are effeminate, then eventually they will tempt you, and you will have to strain to be faithful. 

In most cases it is better to stay away from other women completely (as mentioned above). They have nothing to offer you besides destruction. They will not advance your career or grant you power, they will only break down your power base and leave you with nothing (Proverbs 6:26). Therefore, avoid women who are not your wife except in public gatherings such as the assembly. 

Be faithful to one woman. 

Do not stray.

Build your own relationship. 

Conduct yourselves like men.