Category: Marriage/Women/Sex

One of the biggest mistakes Christian men make when they get married is training their wives to keep them dependent on sex.

They teach their wives to think that they will do anything for sex. Husbands demonstrate this with their own actions.

They will beg for sex.
They will plead for sex.
They will change decisions or make decisions for sex.
If their wife says “jump for sex”they say “how high”.

This habit starts before marriage, as most Christian men get married so they can experience sex. Everything else is secondary.

If sex wasn’t their primary motivator and they would rationally weigh the pros and cons of marriage, they might never get married in the first place.

Bad Habits

This habit of sex-dependence starts early in marriage. Men are so excited to finally have access to sex that they couldn’t have access to for so many years that they don’t want to lose it.

They don’t want to miss out on it. They will do anything to keep the supply of sex intact

This mindset makes them vulnerable.

A Little History

You see, throughout history, women’s truest power and agency over men has been their sexuality.

Women learn this from an early age – as soon as they are old enough to understand sex.

They start to realize that most men will do just about anything to get into their pants.

Then, on a conscious or unconscious level, they learn to manipulate that fact to get what they want.

They learn to withhold sex to try to force their husbands’ hand into taking actions he otherwise wouldn’t have taken.

This is immoral behavior, but it happens.

The biggest sexual mistake Christian men make is allowing this to happen.

The manipulation of sex is a mindset for women. It develops over time.

And when men cater to their wives every little want and craving, make decisions big and small, and violate their principles in order to have access to sex, they reinforce this idea that women have power over them.

Most husbands teach their wives to manipulate sex.

Husbands teach their wives with their own actions – and when they constantly give into manipulative pressure from their wife just to have sex, the wife learns she simply has to apply sexual pressure and she can get her way.

If she learns this early in the marriage, it is difficult to undo.

Training Your Wife

If you let your wife understand through your actions that you aren’t a slave to her sexuality, and won’t do whatever she says because she gatekeeps sex, and especially if you do this early in the marriage, you won’t find youself in position where your wife manipulates sex to get what she wants.

She won’t be able to manipulate sex because you aren’t a slave to her sexuality.

This is something that single, unmarried men should pay careful attention to. Because they are in a position where they can make all the right decisions and prevent this from ever occurring.

If you are unmarried or about to get married, you are in the best possible position to prevent your wife from manipulating Sex.

How It Works

It’s simple to apply this lesson practically.

If your wife withholds sex from you because you will or won’t do something she wants, instead of giving into her, just go about your business as if nothing was happening.

Make it seem like it doesn’t matter to you at all if you have sex or not.

And most importantly – make the decision you know to be right. Do not give into sexual pressure.

If you do what you know is rational, intelligent, and morally correct, and are not swayed by your wife’s sexuality, you will be in a position of power.

Don’t worry, you’ll have sex again.

But you won’t be a slave to it.

You just have to be disciplined early in marriage, for a short time for this to have lasting benefits on your life.

It won’t take many instances of you showing your wife you are unaffected by her manipulation before it clicks in her mind and she realizes you can’t be manipulated.

At that point you’ve taken away her manipulative power, the power that women have used throughout the ages. She will realize those tactics are worthless against a man of sexual discipline like you.

In the end she will respect you more, and you will have more access to sex within marriage than ever before all because you practiced discipline.

This also requires your wife to improve her character as well.

If she’s withholding sex in the first place, or manipulating it in any way, that isn’t moral behavior.
Those aren’t the actions of a woman of character.

So by training her to understand that you aren’t dependent on her for sex, she will not only improve her character by stopping the manipulation, but it will force her to learn to articulate her positions more rationally and logically – to approach you as a thinker, rather than as a caveman who is a slave to his penis.

If she wants you to do something or not do something, now instead of manipulating sex, she actually has to have a rational, intelligent conversation with you about what to do.

Now that’s something we can accept.

Men should always be willing to change their mind based on logic and evidence. And a woman who doesn’t manipulate sex actually has a more rational mind. She has to, because sex is no longer her power – she must develop her mind.

Even Benjamin Franklin knew this stuff.

Ever seen a woman whose only power is her sexuality?

Think Instagram models and porn stars.

These aren’t the great thinkers of our age.

When a woman’s only tool is her sexuality, she is almost always foolish and intellectually underdeveloped.

Conclusion

Don’t teach your wife that you will do anything for sex.

Don’t teach her that you will change your mind and opinions just to have sex with her.

If you do, you will be in the same boat as so many other Christian men around you. and it’s not a fun place to be.

But with just a little sexual discipline applied early in marriage, you can prevent this from ever occurring.

So develop that discipline.

Conduct yourselves like men.

Most men will be shocked by the title.

Never in their wildest dreams would they think they had to be sexually disciplined in marriage.

They thought they would have on-command access to sex the moment they get married.

Most men will face a sad reality when they wake up from that delusion.

Men must be sexually disciplined – both before they are married and after.

This concept of sexual discipline has two facets:

I – Sexual discipline with your wife
II – Sexual discipline with women who are not your wife

Both types of discipline are critical.

But if you make smart decisions early, you won’t have to be too sexually disciplined with your wife, and I’ll show you why.

I – Sexual Discipline With Your Wife

Early in your marriage, it is critical to be sexually disciplined. This is because most women understand intuitively that their only real agency and way to affect men is through their sexuality. This is how women have worked throughout the centuries.

Because of this sexual power, women will often manipulate sex to get what they want.

They will withhold sex from their husbands to get an outcome they want.

They will withhold sex if a man doesn’t behave he way she wants him to behave, or if he doesn’t do what she wants him to do.

Is this sinful for women to do? Yes it is. And it would be just as sinful if a man did it – but looking for a man who withholds sex is like looking for a unicorn.

But manipulating access to sex is how women learn to wield their power. This is certainly how the world teaches them to wield it.

Therefore, early in marriage, you need to teach your wife through example, through behavior [not through words] that you are not a slave to her vagina. That you are not a slave to the sex she believes she can puppy-guard.

She will try to get you to do things you have decided not to do, or get you to not do things that you have decided to do by becoming cold sexually or rejecting advances.

Your role then, as a man who is sexually disciplined, is to show by example that this does not affect you.



You show by example that you are not a slave to your sexual urges.

You may be craving sex, but you can’t let it show. You must remain in control.

Don’t change your decisions just because your woman thinks you will bow to her whims just to have sex with her.

If you give in, she will believe you to be a pathetic man ruled by his sexual urges. She may not know she believes this, but on an unconscious level, the thought will be there.

So instead, if she tries to withhold sex, go about your business as if nothing is happening.

Do what you would normally do, live how you would normally live, and act as if you don’t even notice that you aren’t having sex. And if other women at work are giving you attention, this is the time to covertly mention it – activate her competition anxiety.

Eventually she will realize “Wow, I can’t manipulate sex to get this guy to do what I want”.

And this realization will make her stop manipulating sex, especially if you are getting attention from other women.

Only a stupid woman would withhold sex from a man who’s getting attention from other women.

She might as well put her husband in a Catapult and launch him into the bed of another woman.

Remember that this part of life where you must be sexually disciplined with your wife won’t last forever. You won’t have to act like this for your whole marriage.

Sexual Discipline within marriage is what you demonstrate in the beginning of marriage to help your wife understand that you are not a slave to her sexuality.

Teach her early in marriage that you won’t jump just because she said to jump, and just because she is the keeper of the sex.

In the end, she will respect you for this. She will be even be more aroused by you – the man who can control his sexual desires to stay true to his principles.

If you saved yourself for marriage, you likely waited 20+ years to have sex, you can wait another few days to have sex as a way to demonstrate that you won’t be moved from your principles by temporary sexual pleasures.

II – Sexual Discipline With Other Women

Sexual discipline with other women is the most obvious place where we should have discipline as Christian men. And we need to have this discipline at the very fundamental level.

Adultery is a terrible sin that men and women are drawn to for a plethora of reasons. No one can deny that it is tempting.

Whether it was because they let discipline slack, where pushed to it by their spouse or whatever the case may be, adultery has clear start points.

It begins in the mind and with the eyes. This is why Christ taught to avoid looking at a woman and thinking about having sex with her [which is one definition Lust].

The eyes and the mind are at the foundation.

What goes in the mind affects the eyes.

How we train the mind determines what our eyes will seek out.

What goes in the eyes affects the mind – we think about what we see.

Therefore, we have to control both mind and eyes at the base in order to reduce the likelihood of adultery.

But it is not enough to stop there. Because there are other women in the world as well. Women who will find us attractive and interesting.

And if we are working and increasing our secular success, we will become more attractive to other women as we go through life and enter our 30s.

It’s true that most women won’t approach us, but that doesn’t mean we should let our guard down. Because some will – I’m sure you’ve had that experience before.

So you have to be ready in case this does occur.

How will you gently tell other women you are married?
What will you do if they don’t care about the fact that you are married?

Because if you aren’t ready for the approaches of other women, they will crack the confidence in your marriage. Their sensual approach will be an image of what you are missing out on – a portrait of the sexuality you sacrificed to be with your wife.

And you may start to desire that sexual world outside of your marriage.

The desire is the seed. It is one of the seeds to adultery.

Then your desire will slowly fester, making you resentful of what you do have and craving what you don’t.

You’ll be David on the rooftop, unable to resist the craving for more.

Don’t let those errors get started. Don’t let the seeds of them grow.

David suffered greatly in his life because he took what wasn’t his sexually and was willing to kill for it.

Have your responses ready for other women, maintain your discipline in and out of marriage and hold yourself contestant to the biblical Principles you know to be true.

Be a striking example of sexual discipline.

Conduct yourselves like men.

As a Christian man, it is critical not to overlook the importance of physical attraction when seeking a wife.

While Christian virtues and shared values are crucial, physical attraction is a fundamental aspect of a fulfilling marriage that should not be neglected.

Many Christians neglect teaching about sexuality all together, much less instructing men on what to look for in a wife beyond the standard Christian values.

The Role of Physical Attraction

Physical attraction plays a significant role in marital satisfaction.

All the good Christian qualities in the world cannot substitute for sexual arousal and physical desire.

If you don’t want your wife sexually, this is a problem.

Because you will inevitably come across women you are sexually aroused by, only they won’t be your wife.

Your resentment towards your wife may grow.
Your marital dissatisfaction may grow.

You may out yourself in a severely disadvantaged position of being attracted to seemingly every woman but your wife – as some Christian men have made known to me.

That’s a sad way to live.

And it’s a permanent way to live.

This physical attraction aspect of marriage is often overlooked by Christians, but it remains critical for a healthy and happy relationship.

Avoiding the Temptation to Settle

Many Christian men find themselves tempted to settle for someone they are not genuinely attracted to, believing that shared values and virtues will suffice.

However, it is important to wait and find someone who is very physically attractive to you.

Do not panic if there seems to be no eligible women around. They are out there.

Be sure to include God in your search, approaching him in prayer and asking for what you are seeking: a woman who is both beautiful on the inside as well as sexually arousing on the outside.

A man can help guide his wife in understanding various philosophies and spiritual matters, but he cannot change her physical appearance.

You can help her learn the flaws of religious Liberalism, but you cannot change the symmetry of her face or the curvature of her body.

It may sound shallow, but it absolutely is not.

Here’s why:

If she does not look good to you, you may be tempted to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere, which is obviously detrimental to the marriage.

Here’s a critical litmus test for you: If you would have to ‘convince yourself’ to be attracted to a woman, you are not attracted to her.

If she doesn’t catch your eye the moment she walks into a room, you aren’t attracted to her.

Period.

Move on to the next one.

There is no shortage of attractive women.

The Advantage of Time

Men have the advantage of time when searching for a mate, as our sexual market value often lasts well into our thirties.

We simply stay attractive longer.

In fact, we become more attractive into our 30s because we become more established in our careers and lives.

And this is one of the factors that satisfies part of women’s dualistic sexual strategy.

So don’t feel like you are running out of time as you approach your 30s and even beyond. You have far more time than women whose sexual value begins to deteriorate in their 20s.

This long lasting sexual value gives us the opportunity to be patient and selective.

It is crucial to choose someone who is both very attractive and shares core Christian values.

Do not compromise on one or the other.

But recall that you can teach your wife. you cannot change her appearance.

Physical Attraction and Sexual Intimacy

Physical attraction is necessary for true physical intimacy, which is reserved for and expected in marriage.

Let’s be real: if you aren’t attracted to a woman, your ‘equipment’ will not work when it’s time to get sexual.

This intimacy strengthens the marital bond and is a gift from God meant to be enjoyed in marriage. 

Ignoring physical attraction can lead to sexual dissatisfaction and temptations that could harm the relationship.

Conclusion

While Christian virtues and shared values are indispensable, physical attraction is equally important in a marriage.

Christian men should be patient and discerning in their search for a wife, ensuring that they find someone who is both physically attractive and aligned with their core values.

This balance is key to a fulfilling and enduring marital relationship.

You have all the time in the world.

You don’t have the same biological clock that limits women.

Get it in your mind that it is okay yo be selective, and patient. you have all the time in the world. And as a Christian, God is on your side in this quest.

Be very selective, remembering that as a man who will be providing, you are the prize to be sought after, not the other way around.

You are you own mental point of origin.

Treat yourself with enough respect to find a sexually attractive woman to marry.

Hidden behind your sex-motivated desire to get married as a Christian man are all the drawbacks of marriage. 

Make sure you consider these costs before getting married. 

Otherwise you will do what most Christian men do: jump into marriage motivated purely by the desire to FINALLY have sex, and ignore all the costs of marriage.

There are serious drawbacks to getting married. Just like there are drawbacks to anything in life. This doesn’t mean marriage isn’t a great thing, just that it has costs. Just like Christianity has costs. 

Even Christ taught that you have to count the cost of discipleship [Luke 14:28-30]- because it will require you to give up something. 

1 – Sexual Access

For starters, you make a vow to your wife that you will forsake all others and commit to her on your wedding day.

While this shouldn’t be difficult for most Christians, it is a scary thought.

If you have been living the Christian lifestyle, you should avoid extramarital sex of all types – that’s a biblical command.

So this is nothing different than what you have already been doing so it’s more of a secular consequence. 

2 – Money

Having a Wife is expensive. It’s another person to take care of.

Even if you both work, she will have upkeep costs [Feminine hygiene, self-care, makeup etc.] that shouldn’t be neglected in your calculation on whether or not marriage is for you. 

Your wife will be at least 1.5x as expensive as you are.

If you have financial goals in life, they will be slowed down by marriage.

Unless both you and your wife are on the exact same page about finances, expect to have your financial goals slowed by an assortment of living and family expenses. 

3 – Free Time

When you are single, you can do that you want, when you want.

The value of this freedom shouldn’t be taken lightly. This is especially true if freedom is one of your core values.

When you are single, you have nothing limiting your choices except the commandments of God.

There is a reason many husbands refer to their wife as the “ole ball and chain”.

It’s not a helpful analogy nor is it useful.

It’s especially not useful to the older Christians if their goal is to ensure more Christians are born – they are discouraging and disparaging the very institution that brings those children into the world. 

But many Christian men are too depressed to even care.

They jumped into marriage motivated by their sex drive, discovered marriage wasn’t what they thought it was, now all they can do is whine. 

That aside, marriage will cost you much of your free time, especially as kids come into the picture.

That doesn’t mean you won’t find pockets of time to have to yourself, but it will not be as often as it was when you were single. 

4 – Hobbies

Related to time loss, you will also lose some of your hobbies. This occurs because you need time to engage with hobbies, and your time will be reduced.

Many Christian’s will encourage you to sacrifice everything you enjoy on the altar of “selflessness” to be better for your family.

Frankly, their logic never made sense to me.

I’ve personally never experienced fulfillment after sacrificing something.

Sometimes a sacrifice is just a sacrifice will not provide anything of value in return in this life.

The vast majority of the benefits of the Christian life are deferred until the afterlife.

But logistically speaking, if you have less free time after marriage, it follows that you will have less time for hobbies after marriage. 

Be aware of this.

5 – Increased Responsibility

Responsibility. That mysterious thing that Jordan Peterson associates with “Fulfillment”. If you think you have responsibility now, it will only increase in marriage. It will double when you get married, and it will double with each child you have.

Personally, I haven’t found an increase in responsibility to be correlated with increased fulfillment. I’m not convinced quite sure that fulfillment is a guarantee in life. 

What I do know is there is a linear relationship between increased responsibility and increased life dissatisfaction for me personally. 

Now maybe I’m just different than most of the population. So take this with a grain of salt. But your responsibility levels will increase exponentially within marriage. 

6 – Kids

Kids are undoubtedly one of life’s greatest sacrifices. For many Christian dads, they sacrifice everything they want to be so that their kids can have a better life.

They give up their identity and pour themselves into their kids. 

Then the church applauds this as noble, but personally, I’m not so convinced.

I’ve seen plenty of dad’s in the church pour everything into their kids for nothing. 

They spend everything, both emotionally and physically to raise good kids, and then those kids grow up to reject the truth of God’s word. Then the father spends most of his nights popping sleeping pills because he has such insomnia and internal turmoil over his kids that he can’t sleep.

“But…fulfillment“.

It’s never guaranteed.

And by the time many Father’s kids leave the house, these men are a shell of what they once were.

They poured out everything without ever taking time to fill their own cup.

Now they are just an empty vessel without identity. 

Conclusion

Make no mistake about it, there are costs to marriage.

Count the cost.

And if you have any degree of doubt about whether or not you should get married, don’t get married.

Wait.

You can always get married later.

But if you are a Christian, once you are married, you are locked in for life and there is nothing you can do about it.

So take that commitment seriously. It’s a blood oath.