Category: Marriage/Women/Sex

Lust is a desire that is dwelt on. It goes beyond normal thinking, and beyond normal desires. Because we dwell on it, it grows exponentially more powerful until it overpowers us. That is the very nature of lustful thinking. 

Desire itself is okay – but roots of desire that lead to evil are to be stamped out with ferocity.  That’s one of the lessons we learn in James Chapter 1. Sin is a result of a desire that has been resting in the mind for so long that it’s taken root and grown. It is literally conceived like a child, and it’s growing into sin. And that sin, in the end, brings about death of a spiritual nature.

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.

Matt 5:27-30

We have physical desires for a reason.

They push us to take action. The problem, however, comes when we spend too much time desiring something that is outside of God’s moral law. As much as men in the religious world tried to deny it, God has a set of regulations for behavior for his people. One of these is about avoiding adultery and lustful thinking.

Lust is adultery lacking only in opportunity, as Matthew Henry would say in his commentary. This is where most men live – no opportunity, but also no control over their own minds.  Many men think that they are faithful to their wives, that they are loyal, but they are not. They simply have no choice but to be faithful and loyal because they have no opportunity or options to be unfaithful. I recently heard it said this way in a short video clip online, “drop your man outside the Playboy mansion and see how loyal he is then”.  [Of course, you have to add that these women would somehow magically be attracted to the average churchgoer male, who is in most cases, unarousing by default – but that is beside the point. ]

Because for most Christian men, it’s not about loyalty, it’s about opportunity. And most men simply aren’t attractive enough to give themselves sexual access to options that they then have to resist. Meaning, there are no women who want to have sex with him. So they are not faithful, they are involuntarily loyal. They are “incels” but in married form.

Going back to lust – Lust is a desire that is dwelt on and approved by the mind, or at the least not resisted. This is different from having a desire and warring against it. 

Christians live a life of self-denial. This means there must be some desire to deny, implying there is desire.  Desire itself is never the problem. It is what we do with the desire that is the problem. Or if we feed the desire until it is a raging inferno, that is also a net negative. Even if you can make the argument and rationalization in your own mind that a raging desire is not a sin, you can at least see how it would be a disadvantage to have to war against that kind of desire. So your goal should be to avoid building it up to that level in the first place. And you do that by directing your thoughts toward other matters.

When it comes to the biblical model, we have one morally approved source of sexual access if we are married [which itself is an incredible sacrifice]. If we are unmarried we have no source of approved sexual access. That makes early unmarried life very difficult for men. Because most men have a massive amount of sexual energy that they then have to do something with. And I’ll tell you right now, you need to reorient that energy somewhere else. If you simply try to repress it, it will force an outlet. And with upwards of 70% of Christian men admitting to viewing pornography, I would say it’s forcing an outlet. 

This war of sexual discipline requires us to plan strategically in advance. You are going to have a desire for other women who are not your wife, whether you are married or not – it’s all about what you do with it.

And I suggest you take that energy somewhere else. Literally, get up and go somewhere else when you start generating that powerful sexual energy. You do not want to be spending excessive time, or anytime at all, around women you find sexually attractive. That puts you in a losing position at all times.

Most men understand this logically. Even some high-level executives or men of success will talk about their principle of not having a meal, or being alone with any woman who’s not their wife. They usually take a lot of heat for this and get made fun of, but these men understand the male sexual nature. They understand that the sexual nature is a war with the rational mind. And that one should never voluntarily place himself in a position where he’s going to have to engage in that war because it’s difficult, and Sexual Energy can very easily overpower the rational mind if it is stirred to an excessive degree.

Remember, Desire itself is not a sin. If it is, what then is temptation? Isn’t Temptation just a form of desire? Of being pulled towards something that God has placed the divine stamp of disapproval on? Temptation cannot be sin because then Christ would have committed sin since he himself was tempted in all points as we are yet without sin [Heb 4:15]. 

The biblical distinction is very clear, Temptation and sin are separate. Temptation is the thing we war against. And we have temptations because we have desires, and there’s no getting around this. It’s just a question of what we do with the desire, and how we tamp it down.

We can be tempted and pulled by desire, but we must avoid letting it marinate in our minds. What sits in the mind inevitably expresses itself in action.  If you are constantly meditating and focusing your mind on having sex with other women, you will be in a position of weakness.  You will have programmed your mind through hours upon hours of visualization to believe that sexual activity with a multiplicity of women you are not married to is morally okay.

I am certainly not going to try to tell you not to have sexual energy, or not have sexual thoughts. I’m telling you to reorient those thoughts and direct them somewhere else. While you’re unmarried, and even while you’re married, You should find an outlet for those sexual energies. That is your masculine Divine energy, do not waste it on women or in fantasy. Because you can use that energy to make yourself a success in the physical world. 

And of course, I argue that you should first do this for yourself, making yourself your own mental point of origin, because when you improve yourself everyone around you benefits. When you focus on yourself, and make yourself better, and make decisions that would be for the betterment of you, it’s not selfish unless it damages those around you. In fact, it’s the opposite of selfishness because it improves the lot of all those around you. The best thing you can do for those around you is to make yourself your mental point of origin and focus on yourself.  

Again, this only becomes selfish if it damages those around you.

But you have to understand that this almost always improves the situation of those around you far more than you would ever be able to improve their situation by concentrating directly on trying to improve their situation.

The biblical model for handling lust is very severe. Christ moves from teaching on lust to teaching about hell. Why? Because Lust is one of the sins and desires that requires a reminder of severe punishment.  We cannot always motivate ourselves with happy fluff. We will not motivate ourselves to do well with exclusively positive fuel.  In fact, we need some fear and anger. 

Christ does not teach “great is the reward for those with a pure mind” or “heaven will be more fulfilling than these desire of the flesh could ever provide”. He avoids this because it wouldn’t be enough to compete with the lust of the flesh. Heaven in fifty years or sex right now? Sexual energy and the urge of the moment are likely to win.

The complete counsel of God demands teaching on Hell.

It is motivating. We need to appreciate the fact that it is highly motivating and use it. When your rational mind is unable to overpower your sexual nature when you are tempted by sexual sin, you must conjure up the fear of Hell and the hatred of sin. These are some of the Practical tools for overcoming lust.

1.  Become angry at your sin. Develop a hatred. Pray to the God of War[ Ex15:3]  for strength and hatred.
2.  Never be alone with a woman who’s not your wife. Your Sexual Energy will be at war with your rational mind. And that’s not a battle you want to engage in. The enemy is very strong, avoiding whenever you can.
3.  Motivate yourself with reminders of punishment. When you’re being sexually tempted, the idea of Heaven’s not going to motivate you. Because the immediate pleasure of today is infinitely more tempting than the potential of unknown pleasure tomorrow.
4. Get clear in your mind about the practical consequences of adultery. You are risking your wealth, family, and future to have sex with a woman you are not married to. If you are unmarried, the risks are lower, but they are still present in the form of disease and pregnancy. But besides those two things, [which are the primary motivators most fear-mongering Christians use to talk about abstinence], you must be more concerned with the consequences from God.

Marriage carries inherent risks, even for modern Christian men. There is the risk to his wealth. A woman can divorce him [and in the modern day she can do so for no reason] and rob him of his earnings for years to come. This is called alimony.

Modern divorce favors the woman. Why should we be surprised that people do things they are incentivized to do? When women are incentivized by the government to divorce their husbands and to be single mothers, we should not be surprised when they do so.

Another risk involves the permanence of marriage. There is no getting out. It is a permanent contract. The problem is not the fact that it is a permanent commitment, the problem is that this commitment puts both men and women at risk.

Men are put in a position of having only one source of potential sexual intimacy that they can have while remaining obedient to God. No porn or other women are allowed. This gives the woman extraordinary power. She has authority over all the access a man has to his only option of sexuality.

Of course, God knows this outlines a principle of mutual authority over one another’s bodies in marriage.

Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me:

It is good for a man not to touch a woman. ² Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. ³ Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. ⁴ The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. ⁵ Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:1-5

But just because the command exists has little bearing on the inherent risk built into the power dynamic of marriage. We disobey commandments all the time. So the simple fact that a command exists does not mean people will live in accordance with it.

Based on this passage, neither partner in marriage is allowed to sexually deprive the other. Nonetheless, what is one of the most common complaints of men in marriage? It is generally about sexual frequency, quality, or some other component of sexuality. Now it is the husband’s responsibility to max out his own sexual market value as much as he can, but the power of sexual access remains with the woman.

And because she has that power, she has the ability to singlehandedly shut off a man’s only access to biblically supported sexual gratification. This makes marriage a great risk to a man’s sexual access.

I. Examining Scriptural Perspectives:

A. Jesus’ Teachings on Marriage:

³ The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?”

⁴ And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who ^[a]made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ ⁵ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? ⁶ So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

⁷ They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?”

⁸ He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. ⁹ And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for ^[b]sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”

¹⁰ His disciples said to Him, “If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”

Jesus Teaches on Celibacy

¹¹ But He said to them, “All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: ¹² For there are ^[c]eunuchs who were born thus from their mother’s womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.”

Matthew 19:3-11

Jesus and the apostles discuss marriage as a challenging and demanding commitment.

The Bible has clear and concise teachings on marriage, divorce, and remarriage. It is only mankind who has perverted and twisted these teachings to accommodate his personal desires.

The above passage gives the guidelines for a marriage.

1. Marriage is between one man and one woman.
2. It is not lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason.
3. The only reason that a man or woman can divorce their husband or wife is because one party had sex with someone else [fornication/adultery].
4. A man or woman can remarry if their spouse dies.

It does not simpler than this teaching, but people live as if biblically approved marriage is not a requirement for godly living.

At the end of Christ’s speech on marriage, the apostles came to a logical conclusion: marriage no longer sounds like a good deal for us compared to what we thought it was before.

Marriage sounded okay to them until they learned that Christ’s teaching made marriage permanent.

So the apostles then further deduced that it would be better for a man not to marry at all.

That is quite an interesting conclusion.

Is it rational? I believe it makes rational sense. It is difficult to argue with the logic of the apostles.

Once they heard Christ’s teaching they performed a quick cost-benefit analysis of marriage and determined that marriage was not worth the risk and the cost.

What is even more interesting is Christ’s response to the apostle’s deduction.

Christ doubles down on the teaching and tells the disciples that not everyone can accept the teachings of marriage and some go down the path of the eunuch. He does not argue with them or say they misunderstood Him. Rather he explains the practical ways a Christian man can live without being married.

B. Understanding the Concept of Eunuchs

A eunuch is a person who literally has his genitals removed. Some also argue that the term “eunuch” could be a figure of speech for someone who voluntarily denies himself the opportunity for marriage in favor of serving the kingdom without the removal of the genitals.

So Christ’s response to His apostles’ deduction that “A man is better off if he does not get married” is to educate them on the ways that some men go about living that way.

Christ was not teaching that we should never get married, but to rather be wise and discerning when making that decision.

II. Acknowledging Statistical Realities About Marriage

A. Applying Real-World Statistics:

There are inherent risks to marriage for men. You have to consider them practically. These risk-based stats change from year to year. Look them up to see what they are now, as they will not be included here.

1. Financial risks

• Division of assets and potential loss of wealth in case of divorce. Get divorced, lose your stuff – even if that divorce is based on the emotional whim of the woman who has no legitimate reason for the divorce.
• Potential alimony payments or financial support obligations.
• Joint liabilities and debts accumulated during the marriage. Feminine-centric society expects a “good man” to marry a woman and take care of her student loan debt for her psychology degree while she stays at home without any kids and runs MLMs online.
• Changes in financial goals and priorities due to shared expenses and responsibilities. A man has to get used to providing for two. Whatever his dreams were for life, many of them get sacrificed to the altar of “being a good man”. Make sure marriage is worth that sacrifice because it is a steep one.

2. Career risks

• Potential disruptions to career progression due to family commitments. Many men, especially in religion, are expected to make career decisions while thinking about their families first. I would argue there is no better way to guarantee misery for a man than for him to manipulate and contort himself based on the wants and expectations of others, even if those others are his own family.
• Balancing work and family responsibilities, which may require adjustments or compromises. Marriage can be a blessing but understand that it will come at the cost of much of your personal time.
• Relocation or changes in job/school prospects due to the spouse’s career or family needs. How many men have followed the “girl of their dreams” to a college, to a college major and eventual career that does not fit them and is unsatisfying to them? But they believe if they just meet all of a woman’s qualifications for them, they will earn her intimacy. These men are confused about what a woman finds arousing. Desire cannot be negotiated. No amount of placating will make a woman burn with desire for her husband. A man risks lifelong contentment in a career that fits his skill, inclination, and enjoyment for the sake of a woman. That is a massive risk.

3. Emotional risks

• Relationship challenges, conflicts, and potential emotional distress. If you hear anything from married Christian men, it’s that “marriage is work” or “marriage is hard“. You hear those statements more often than anything else regarding marriage. So as a result they should stick out in your mind. But a second effect is that we take the statement less seriously because we’ve heard it a thousand times. It’s true though. There are many hard things in life. Each person has to decide for themselves if the reward is worth the difficulty. The same applies to marriage. Decide if the difficulty is worth the reward.
• Changes in personal freedom and autonomy. One of the best parts of early college for me was not having to ask anyone if I could do something or tell anyone what I was doing. I came and went as I pleased. In marriage, you cannot always do that. I don’t ask for permission since I’m the source of authority in marriage right below God, but I do inform my wife about what I’m doing so she doesn’t worry. This is not a problem, but it is another thing to think about. And inconvenience where one did not exist before.
• Emotional stress associated with maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Many people suffer emotionally because they worry about their families. Maybe this is a “good worry”, but it is still a worry – an uncomfortable sensation. It is something that comes as a cost of marriage.

4. Lifestyle risks

• Adjusting to shared living arrangements, household responsibilities, and potential conflicts over decision-making. Whether married or not, living with other people is no joke. There will absolutely be difficulties and inconveniences. From simple annoyances concerning people not washing their clothes or dishes, to bigger ones like people’s animals damaging household appliances. It is challenging to live with others. If you are going to do so, the reward has to be worth it. For roommates, the reward for putting up with each other is a cheaper living situation – as rent and utilities are split between tenants. This makes the trade worth it for many people. For marriage, there are also rewards, but they come at costs. Nothing is free. Consider if the reward is worth it.
• Changes in personal routines, hobbies, and social life due to marriage commitments. You will not be able to live as a married man in exactly the same way you lived as a single man.
• The need for compromise and negotiation in various aspects of life, including leisure activities, financial decisions, and long-term goals.

B. The Church and Human Nature:

We continue to make comments about human nature because it is critical to understand. Some have this idea that human nature does not apply in the church. You can tell by some of the statements they make.

“You Christians are supposed to be happy all the time”.
“Wow, You never want to do what is wrong, do you?”
“Being good is easy for you”.
“Marriage is easy for you Christian people”.

People make the incorrect assumption that the moment you walk into a church building you deposit your human nature in a box in the front foyer. Everyone who is a Christian knows this is not the case. We continue to be human beings and have our human nature despite our religious faith.

A man and woman have unique desires and tendencies in marriage. Sometimes these conflict. This conflict results in people taking different actions.

Men want sex, women want security.
Men want a career, women want a family.
Also, Men want skill, women want social interaction.

Of course, these are not all-or-nothing descriptors. Men and women can want various things and have overlapping desires. But nonetheless many have different wants and needs in life and love. Each of these differences can cause conflict. One or more parties will have to compromise. Is that compromise worth the rewards of marriage to you?

III. Selectivity and Discernment in Marriage Partner Choice

A. Emphasizing Selectivity:

It is the role of a man to be wise and discerning when choosing someone to marry. Because if you obey the Bible, that is a permanent decision. There is no going back. There is no getting out. Therefore you must leave nothing to chance and avoid guesswork.

Mutual Faith: This is the foundation. It should go without saying.

Genuine arousal: you have to find ways to determine if your wife is genuinely aroused by you. I do not mean attracted. And I don’t mean compatible. I mean sexually arousing. Is she sexually excited by you? Obviously, as a Christian, you should be avoiding sexual intercourse until marriage. That does not mean you cannot determine if she is aroused by you or not.

Trust and sincerity: Trust and sincerity are essential qualities to look for in a life partner. It is important to choose someone who is honest and trustworthy. This is a question of character. You have to determine this by all of her interactions and even micro-interactions in social settings as well as her behaviors in her private life.

Priorities: it is important to consider your priorities when choosing a life partner. Some important questions to ask yourself include: Do I want to have children? Where do I want to live? Do I want to work or manage the home (or both?)? What do I want to accomplish before I die? What kind of lifestyle do I want to have?

Behavior and etiquette: watching etiquette and basic nature when choosing a life partner. It is important to observe how a potential partner behaves with you and others.

People’s actions are 5-10x more important than their words.

With their behaviors, people will tell you exactly what they think, feel, believe, and want. It is easy to lie with words, but much more difficult to do so with actions.

When people’s words and actions don’t line up, look at their actions. Behavior will always tell you the truth.

If women confuse you with “mixed signals” [of which I would argue there is no such thing, most of the time], then look at their behavior

Compatibility: Compatibility is an important factor to consider when choosing a life partner. It is important to use the logical parts of your brain to determine whether someone is a good fit. Use your mind but also trust your intuition.

Find out what your woman’s values are. First, ask her, then watch her behavior. If her behavior and words are in conflict, believe her actions. Once you have her values, consider if they overlap with yours or not.

True compatibility is core value overlap.

If faith is not at the center of these values, you will have a problem. This is the most important facet. Differing faiths will handicap you as badly as having a wife who is not sexually aroused by you. These are both highly dangerous scenarios.

B. Recognizing Moral and Lifelong Commitment

You have to understand that people of faith are morally bound to maintain a faithful marriage. It is a lifelong commitment. You make a promise to God to be faithful, and you subject yourself to the penalty of judgment if you break that oath.

The cost is steep, but the rewards are also promising for some women. You have to make that decision with wisdom.

IV. Practical Strategies for Risk Mitigation:

A. Pre-nuptial Agreements:

Many unmarried or even married men will chuckle at this suggestion. But you know who isn’t laughing? The divorced man who lost 50% of his net worth will have his wages garnished to pay alimony for the next several years. This man is free from cloudy emotionalism. He has a perfectly rational mind – it’s a shame he acquired that mind too late.

A Pre-nup is asset protection and it makes perfect sense.

If a woman is planning to stay with a man for life, she won’t care about a pre-nuptial agreement. She will have no reason to be annoyed that she won’t get favored in divorce because she isn’t planning to get divorced.

Perhaps some would be insulted and say that a prenup means that the man doesn’t trust the woman. And considering how men fare in divorce courts and the fact that women are more likely to initiate divorce, men have a right to be apprehensive about the modern institution.

A logical woman would understand.

Some would then suggest “Well then what is going to stop a man from going out and cheating on his wife?”. I would say that if the only thing stopping a man from having sex with other women is his fear of losing his wealth, the relationship has bigger problems.

Asset protection: One of the main benefits of a pre-nuptial agreement is that it can protect assets from divorce by allowing financial protection through a pre-arranged, legally binding agreement. A good prenup will protect a man from frivolous divorce based on the emotional whims of the wife. Sure the man could initiate the divorce, but as we mentioned, it is not as likely as a woman initiating it.

A pre-nuptial agreement allows both parties to be open and honest about the assets and debts they bring to the marriage, and it requires the couple to discuss their financial expectations regarding these assets and any future assets they acquire as a couple.

Wealth protection: A pre-nuptial agreement can help you and your future spouse protect your wealth, both the individual wealth you bring to the marriage and the money you will gain throughout your marriage.

It allows you to designate what property should remain separate and what will be shared, which can be particularly useful for couples trying to keep separate significant pieces of personal property, including future inheritances and other anticipated income.

The value of the modern prenup is the protection of the assets and the protection of the asset generational potential of the man.

Debt protection: A pre-nuptial agreement can also protect you from your partner’s debts. It can include a provision that one spouse isn’t obligated to pay the debts of the other spouse.

Inheritance protection: A pre-nuptial agreement can also help protect inheritance rights. It can handle inheritance and ownership rights in the life insurance or disability policies.

Validity: A pre-nuptial agreement can make divorce proceedings less complicated and less expensive, as it can help avoid disputes over property and assets. It can also make the divorce process faster and less stressful. Should Christian people be thinking about divorce before they even get married? No, but a man has a responsibility to protect himself and hedge his bets against the possibility that he is marrying someone who will take him for all he is worth. Marriage is risky even for the Christian man.

Or consider this. If a pre-nuptial agreement is out of the question, what about donating assets to charity in the event of a divorce?

Say that neither party wants a pre-nuptial agreement. Would they agree that in the event of divorce, assets would be split evenly and anything irreconcilable would be donated to charity? If not, consider the motivations of the individual members of the marriage party.

V. Awareness and Preparedness

A. Seeking Wisdom and Guidance:

It is important to seek guidance from men you respect. Oftentimes people like married couples, ministers, or other church leaders would be the ones you should talk to, especially in matters concerning spirituality.

But in this instance, many of these people do not understand the biblical structure of marriage. They have accepted the modern, 21st-century version of marriage that is feminine-centric, dangerous for men, and requires a man to essentially castrate himself and bow to every whim of the woman or risk losing access to his only source of sexual intimacy. This is not what you are after.

When it comes to seeking advice, it is critical that you only take advice from people whose results you want to replicate.

This seems obvious, but people will take advice from anyone these days.

Therefore, if you know men who are in feminine-centric marriages dominated by women [who also “wear the pants”], you probably shouldn’t take their advice unless you want to end up in their situation.

Who wants to end up there? Not a soul.

So if you want to learn from anyone, pick someone who you would happily trade places with. If you wouldn’t trade places with the person giving the advice within the respective field in which they are giving the advice [i.e., if you wouldn’t trade career positions with someone giving career advice or if you wouldn’t trade marriages with the person giving the marriage advice] then reject the advice.

VI. The Covenant of Marriage

A. Honoring the Sacred Covenant:

Divine purpose: Marriage is held in God’s own heart and is a spiritual reality. This means that marriage is not just a human invention, but rather a divine purpose that should be approached with reverence and respect. Even though that is not how it is treated today, that is how God designed it in the beginning. And we should work to get back to that original design for marriage.

Highest commitment: Covenant marriage is the highest commitment two people can make to one another. Just as Christ has made an unshakeable, unbreakable covenant with His bride the Church, so we in covenant marriage make the highest commitment to one another. Meaning marriage is not just a legal contract, but a sacred covenant that should be taken seriously.

God-sealed covenant: God considers marriage to be a covenant relationship. This means that marriage is not a simple human agreement, but a covenant that is sealed by God. This means that marriage is not just a social or legal institution, but a spiritual one as well.

Marriage does have innate risks for men. This is not what God intended, but this is what marriage has become, especially modern marriage.

The risks for men are undeniable, but the benefits are also incredible as well. But not every marriage gets those benefits. Not every marriage is enjoyable. This is why the decision making and groundwork you do before marriage are so important.

Be wise. Marriage is dangerous for men to enter into blindly and without any consideration. You can make it good, but not by accident.