I – Failure Often Comes From Lack of Desire
Desires are different from wants. We want different things all the time, and those wants eventually fade away. If a want does not fade away, or if it continually resurfaces, then it is not a want, but a desire. Desires will outlast wants and be more beneficial to us in our lives. We will act on our desires, and continue to act on them over the long run, even when they fade from time to time.
This is why it is critically important to uncover what our desires truly are so we can pursue them to completion.
Whenever you fail catastrophically in life, it is often due to the fact that you did not desire your goal strongly enough. This is not always true, but it applies in many cases. Perhaps you became comfortable, stopped giving the appropriate amount of effort to your pursuits, and eventually failed. While the occasional failure is inevitable and very helpful in reigniting our spirits, longer-lasting failure comes from fading desire.
When you are pursuing anything in life, you must always ask yourself what you want and why you want what you are chasing it.
Often we chase what we do not even want. We desire different things for different reasons. But all in all, desires can be boiled down into two major, overarching categories: external and internal desires.
You must constantly be assessing your desires to determine if they are internally or externally generated. Internal desires (things you personally want for your own reasons) will be more resilient to failure and difficulty than external desires (things you want because other people want them for you).
Now there is nothing wrong with the occasional external desire. We get a large amount of work done in our lives because of externally generated desires. It is not a stretch to suggest that most of our lives are filled with fulfilling the desires of those around us rather than our own, and that is where it goes too far.
Most kids grow up having no idea why they should go to school. But they are told to do so, so they do. Maybe later in life, they can think of a few half-hearted reasons why their education was valuable. But most kids go to school to fulfill external desires, which is one of the many reasons they learn so little.
External desires are large in number but lead to less powerful results than internal desires.
| Internal Desire | External Desire |
| Going to medical school because you want to be a doctor. | Going to medical school because your parents want you to be a doctor. |
| Engaging with the youth group because you enjoy it and find value in it. | Engaging with the youth group so you don’t get made fun of and can make your parents happy. |
Societal and Cultural Pressure vs. Internal Desire
Also, you must differentiate between societal or cultural pressures and internal desires. Again, this is not to rag on societal pressure. Some of that type of pressure is valuable for an individual. The external societal pressure can keep us working hard and focusing on valuable components of the community. It only becomes a problem when virtually all of our desires are externally generated and nothing about our unique self remains.
Outside sources of desire can squash individuality and confuse people with regard to their desires. When most individuals have the vast majority of their wants and desires generated from outside sources. They lose the ability to discern between what they want and what others want for them. Most people would confuse their own desires with the desires that have been generated by their friends and family.
What we come to realize is that external wants fade away with time.
The tragedy is that most people lock themselves into a specific life based on externally generated goals and cannot leave even when the superficial desire fades away. Many men marry the wrong woman, select the wrong career, and live the wrong life because they made permanent, life-long decisions while buried in emotionalism. They made permanent decisions based on external wants that will fade with time. Their parents wanted them to be doctors and their friends wanted them to get married. So they made long-lasting commitments based on the short-lasting desire to please others. Then once those desires fade, they are left with nothing but the shadow of a life that could have been and the regret that their deepest desires will never be realized.
This is the tragic lot of most men. The man who finds himself in this life circumstance will lie awake in the dark hours of the night, mourning over the loss of his life.
When you are determining if you truly want something, you need to ask yourself “why” at least five times. Best case scenario, none of the answers will involve third parties. If any of the answers do involve third parties, you should make yourself aware that you are making poor decisions based on outside sources. Make sure you will be able to correct your course and choice in the future if you are even somewhat unsure about your choice in the present. Do not make any major, life-long decisions if any of your answers to the question of “why” involve outside pressures.
Asking yourself why will uncover the nature of your desire and make you aware of if this goal is yours or if it is someone else’s.
Again, it is okay to have a few externally generated wants and goals in life. But as men, we should work at all times to make sure those external wants are the minority of our life goals.
Lastly, you must ask yourself what you truly want. When you begin to ask yourself what you want, dozens of answers (or no answers) may bubble up to the surface. It is your job to sift through all of these answers and make sure the things you want in life are truly the things you want. You must discover whether you have true internal desires or fleeting external wants. There are no right and wrong answers. These questions are just meant to help guide your mind and life.
II – Difficulty Erases False Desire
When inevitable difficulties come your way, false dreams will fall away while true desires will hold firm. Difficulty was created for us to fine-tune what we want and to keep us on the correct life paths. We all encounter difficulty from time to time, and this is a good thing. It keeps us focused and centered on our most valuable missions that are congruent with our individuality. If we do not truly desire something, then the want will simply fade away. Difficulty helps accelerate that process.
When difficulty hits us, we get to decide what facets of our life are actually worth the difficulty involved, and what facets of our lives are made better by difficulty. Those components of our work and life that are difficult and frustrating are like flares pointing us towards our mission. If we are still motivated and interested in what we are doing despite the difficulty, then we can know we are on one of the correct paths for our life.
It is not bad when your desire fades with pain – use this as a tool to guide you towards a better life path. The only time this becomes a problem is when you give up everything you ever try the moment you encounter difficulty. Difficulty was designed to make us better, to refine us, and to guide us. It is okay when it prunes unnecessary desires as long as a few keystone desires remain.
III – It is Acceptable to Have Very Few Desires
In the course of weeding out false desires, you may find that there is not much you want. This is acceptable. It is more than acceptable to have very few wants in life.
Think back to life right after the fall of man. Do you think Adam and Eve had many wants? They likely had very few wants because there were very few things to want. There literally were not enough things on the earth to desire. But now in this day and age, there is more to desire than could ever be experienced in a lifetime. And there is much we want to experience simply because we do not want to miss out on experiencing it (fear of missing out – FOMO).
But if we return to our roots, to the basic components of humanity and masculinity, we may discover that we actually do not want much at all. And this is acceptable.
After recognizing that there is not much you truly desire, be willing to accept that you will not get the results. You may superficially desire something because of the potential results that you see flashed before your eyes in public or on social media, but you do not truly want it. Because you do not truly want it you will not work for it and you will not earn it. Accept that you will have to live without anything you are not willing to trade a proportionate amount of effort to receive. Once you accept this, you are on your way to a life of contentment.
Ask yourself if you can live without those results – Most people can live without most of the results that are achievable.
This is why they remain in poor physical, mental, and financial shape. It is abundantly clear what must be done for anyone to get in better physical shape. It is also very clear what must be done to get into better financial shape. Yet why do so few people do either of these things? Simply because they are unwilling to trade the proportionate amount of effort in order to achieve the results. And they are unwilling to invest this proportionate amount of effort because their desire is insufficient. They will never achieve the results because the desire is not there. And there is a myriad of reasons why the desire is not there.
It is okay if your few remaining desires are superficial. You will not be the perfect, deep spiritual being you want to be. Accept it and attempt to leverage it into something better. Even if your desires are superficial, at least you know what you truly want. That is more than can be said for the majority of humanity.
IV – Find your Desires
Spend time alone. The truest self will bubble to the surface when you are alone, far from the prying eyes of external expectations. You are never going to figure out what you really want if you are constantly generating your desires based on outside influence. Get yourself away from their prying eyes and begin to think about who and what you are.
Here are some questions to ask yourself.
1 – When no one can see you, who are you?
When you are far away from people and no longer have to invest mental, emotional, and physical energy into pretending to be something you are not, who are you? And when your entire false reality fades away and you no longer have to put on your mask, who are you? This is a critical question to answer about yourself because it will tell you about your core beliefs and values. And once those are known, you can ask yourself if you want to modify them or change them altogether.
2 – When no one can see you, who do you want to be?
When you are away from all the pressures of friends and family telling you who and what to be, who do you truly want to be? You may find that when you ask yourself this question, the voices of your parents, grandparents, or friends at church will answer. You need to shut out those voices. Continue to ask yourself the question, but tell yourself that you will only accept answers from yourself. No outside sources are allowed to contribute their inane opinion about you.
3 – Ask yourself, who must you be?
You have a specific uniqueness built into your individuality that only you can realize and develop to the fullest. Listen to that still, small voice in the back of your head that has always known the best life paths for you. Maybe you have not bothered listening to that voice since you were a little kid and the world was exciting. You need to start asking yourself who you must be.
What is your unique gift to bring to the world? No one can answer this but you. And you may get no answer for a long time as you ask yourself this question. You have spent so long living for the interest of others that you have forgotten how to live for yourself. But if you are patient, and continue to ask yourself who you must be, you will eventually begin to find answers. And these answers will be critical tools for you to choose life paths.
Also remember that there is no single, correct path for your life. You have many unique talents and abilities, and there are multiple right paths that you could take with your life. What you are attempting to do with these exercises is make sure that you do not waste time going down the many wrong paths that are also available. There are many more wrong paths than right paths. And if you only listen to outside sources and have external wants, then you will make many errors with regard to your life paths.
Here is a step-by-step exercise for you:
- Take your journal, find the nearest forest and go spend alone time in it. Leave your phone and all other distractions behind you.
- Wait for the paranoia to surface and settle.
- Do not stimulate the mind.
- Think of running water and allow the mind to settle.
- Ask yourself the important introspective questions. You will not get an answer at first. Continue to ask and answers will begin to bubble up.
- Ask questions until you are satisfied that the answeres that bubbled up are your own and no one else’s.
- Repeat this practice regularly, as it is easy to forget who you are and what you awant, especially after living a life where you are defined by those around you and by their desires.
Find your desires, make them your own, then trade the proportionate amount of work for those desires.
